Episode Report Card2 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Cut to the pep rally, which brings back all sorts of high-school memories for me. Specifically, memories of being incredibly bored. It is here that we are introduced to Coach Bud "Mike Bitca" Kilmer, in all his scenery-chewing, bug-eyed glory. He raises a hand for silence; it looks a lot like a Nazi salute. His speech is a big ol' slice of self-aggrandizing exposition. He's coached for thirty years, won two state championships, and twenty-two district titles. He introduces Lance, and all the girls go wild. Some plain-looking but not unattractive girl comes up behind Drawlson, gives him a hug, and says, "Hey." Drawlson says, "I swear Kilmer gets off on this. He made your brother a god." Okay, first of all, it's a pep rally. The football team is supposed to get off on them. That's what they're for, Dan Dierdork. Second, you yourself characterized Lance as the best quarterback in the state. What's that smell? Oh yeah, envy. Smells like Froot Loops. Lance starts, "I was lying [sic] in bed last night," and all the girls shriek and have orgasms like he's Joey Fatone or something. Lance explains that he dreamed that they beat their opponents. God, what a lame dream. The crowd eats it up, because all the boys want to be him and all the girls want to be with him. And then there are some boys who probably want both and some girls who probably want neither. But we don't put them in football movies, do we? Behind the stadium, Drawlson and Lance's sister (whose name I know is Jules, so we'll just start using that) are whining about football. Blah blah blah futurecakes. Drawlson is trying to get into Brown. They both can't wait for the season to end in five games. I hope nobody expects me to feel any sympathy for a protagonist who lacks the manhood to quit playing a game he can't stand. Because I don't. Anyway, Jules would rather watch trains. Excuse me as I roll my eyes. Not that I have anything against watching trains, but it's certainly no more an intellectual or relevant hobby than watching football. Drawlson asks Jules (who has long, straight brown hair, like a certain spineless wonder we all know and currently find annoying) if she wants to go watch trains later. They kiss. Jules is played by Amy Smart, who played Ruby in Felicity and roles in a bunch of USA Network movies and that hideous NBC miniseries, The 70s. Amusingly, she seems to be the only character in this movie with any balls.