Boys in my hood
I wonder where the commercials are. Oh, yeah.
Fade back up to see Tobey looking down. Michael "Falling Down" Douglas is lying on the floor. "It's okay," he says, "I just lost my balance." "I put you on the floor," says Tobey. "Oh." Anyway, Douglas had another fainting spell. Tobey notices the bathrobe and thinks it belongs to The Departed Wife. Turns out, Douglas just wears it when he's writing. I have the same thing with a ratty old sweatshirt, so I'm not going to make fun of him for it. Then he notices the novel sitting on the desk, pages stacked almost a foot high. "Is all of that single-spaced?" Heh. Tobey also reports that someone called and asked about Douglas's car, but they wouldn't leave a name. At this point RDJ comes downstairs in nothing but his boxers. He flirts with Tobey a bit and then heads back upstairs. "Uh, did I do anything bad last night?" asks Tobey. Douglas reminds him that he shot the Chancellor's dog and stole her husband's most prized piece of memorabilia. Oh, yeah.
Cue the cops, who pull up outside. Wacky hijinx ensue. Dudley Doofus emerges from his car and heads up to the house, except he forgets to put on the emergency brake, and the car starts rolling away. Once he gets that taken care of, he rings the bell, only to do a double take when Douglas answers in the frilly pink bathrobe. With the required physical comedy gags out of the way, he proceeds to question Douglas about Tobey. Douglas pretends not to know anything, and sends the cop on his way. Inside, Katie Holmes comes downstairs, wearing nothing but the cowboy boots and a little T-shirt. Now I'm the one who looks like he's carved out of the finest mahogany, if you know what I uh, never mind. By the way: Bye, mom. Also, I should probably lay off the paprika. Tobey is freaked by the arrival of the police, Katie is trying to flirt with Douglas, and the phone is ringing off the hook. General confusion ensues. Douglas cuts his hand, and then piles Tobey into the car for a quick trip to the store.
As they peruse the aisles, Douglas asks Tobey where he lives. Tobey says he's been living at the bus station. I've been to the Pittsburgh bus station, and the only thing living there are some strains of bacteria never before seen on this planet. Anyway, Douglas is shocked to learn that Tobey is homeless. Then he spots some baby toys and remembers Sara.