MONDO EXTRAS

Inside, Frances McDormand comes running up to greet them. They exchange some small talk, and then McDormand stumbles. "High heels," she says. "I don't know how anyone can walk in [them]." "Practice," replies Antonia, and McDormand executes a picture-perfect double-take upon noticing the Adam's apple. Heh. I love me some Frances McDormand. At this point, the family dog Poe makes an appearance, and starts barking angrily at Michael Douglas. Well, actually, he's barking at a spot a few feet to the left of Douglas, because he's blind. Douglas and McDormand take the coats upstairs while RDJ and Antonia head into the party.

Upstairs. McDormand and Douglas collapse on the bed together. They mack, X-Files-style, which is to say, not at all. Instead, they both have big news for each other. "You first," she says. "This morning…" he starts, but that's all he manages to get out before she interrupts with "I'm pregnant." He's surprised. "I think Walter would find this beyond surprising," she tells him. They lay back and stare off into space, lost in their thoughts. She smells Cristal, and isn't happy to discover that she wears the same perfume as a transvestite.

Blind dog close-up. Isn't that a Black Sabbath album? If it's not, it should be. In the background, Walter is babbling to Antonia about Joe DiMaggio and his 56-game consecutive hitting streak. He then segues into a discussion of Joe's marriage to Marilyn Monroe, and offers the observation that "all women secretly want to be Marilyn." Antonia couldn't agree more. She comments on Poe, and he replies, "He's blind, but he still gets around." Cut to Michael "Fatal Attraction" Douglas cleaning his glasses. Heh. That's worth a few subtlety points.

We follow Douglas into the living room, where Katie Holmes has been cornered by Q -- who to my eternal dismay, is not being played by John de Lancie. He is, however, played by Rip Torn, and he's hitting on Katie pretty hard. Well, who wouldn't, really? I guess this is where I confess my oddly enduring schoolgirl crush on Katie Holmes. Which is no where near as bad as having a crush on Matt Damon, but it's kind of embarrassing nonetheless. Q gives her a big smile. Don't trust him, Katie. He's just trying to lure you back to his continuum. Douglas snarkily VOs that Q is a best-selling author who churns out a new book every eighteen months. Q can't hear the insulting voice-over, so he just leers at Katie and babbles on like some kind of twisted poet until Douglas's voice-actual interrupts to tell him that she's a successful, published author herself. Q doesn't care. He just wants to see her naked. Well, who wouldn't, really? For the record, Katie's smile isn't any bigger on the big screen. Still at half-mast. Much like Q.