MONDO EXTRAS

Now we cut to a bar in what is purportedly the Hill District here in Pittsburgh. And while the bar portrayed in the film does in fact exist (and is about five blocks away as I type this at my desk at work), the set they're using looks nothing like it. Anyway, Douglas walks in to see RDJ and Tobey seated at a table in the back. RDJ's hand is suspiciously out of sight under the table, and Tobey looks to be unconscious. On the dance floor, Katie and Q are twirling. Douglas sits at the table, and RDJ criticizes him for "staging a raid on [his] pharmacopoeia." I'd imagine that sentence gets written quite a bit. Certainly more often than "Mmm, phlegmilicious." They argue about Tobey. RDJ informs us that he has a novel he finished in one semester, and Douglas is concerned about the prospect of RDJ and Tobey getting it on. He says he's not sure if Tobey is gay. RDJ is positive that he is. Their order is taken by a pregnant waitress named Oola, and that (like everything else in the first twenty minutes of this movie) will be important later.

As they drink, they spot a guy sitting across the room, and start playing the time-honored writer's game of making up a life story for him. Michael "The Game" Douglas describes him as "President of the James Brown Hair Club For Men," and while that's a fairly apt description of the guy's appearance, I know it's not actually true, since I'M the President of The James Brown Hair Club For Men. Of course, I'm not just the President. I'm also a member. They name the guy Vernon Hardapple, and his life story has to do with jockeys and horse-killing gangsters. Tobey pipes up with an ending to the tale, and they realize that he's been awake the whole time and heard their argument about his sexuality. Katie saves the day again by walking over to ask Douglas to dance. They head out onto the floor and begin a slow dance, which Katie finds difficult because she was clearly forced to carry a big old box of bad dialogue with her from the Creek. Sample: "You know, I'm not the downy innocent you think I am." Translation: "I can be sexual, Dawson." I'm simultaneously aroused and repelled by this scene. Anyway, Douglas tries to let her down easy, but she isn't having it.