MONDO EXTRAS

Douglas gets Will to "ride him home," and this movie steals my heart by incorporating actual Pittsburghese. Yinz guys wouldn't believe how folk talk dahn-'ere in the Burg. Janitor Boy responds with my new all-time favorite non sequitur: "Is it true that Errol Flynn used to put paprika on his dick? You know, 'cuz it was more stimulating for the chick." Douglas has no idea what he's talking about. Will Bunting thinks the backpack is his, and reminds him that he has Errol Flynn's biography in there. Douglas thinks about this for a moment, and then replies, "Yeah, it's true. He used to rub all kinds of stuff on there; salad dressing, ground lamb…" Good Will is enthralled by this. I'm modifying my grocery list.

Cut to the Gaskells' greenhouse. Douglas's voice-over wonders why she loves him. He decides that it's because she loves to read, and as a writer, he manufactures her drug of choice. Will wonders what they're doing at the Chancellor's house. "Taking the long way home," says Douglas.

Cut to Douglas's house, which is literally around the corner from my own. I was late to work every day for a month because they closed this street for filming. And I didn't even get to see Katie Holmes. Although to be fair, missing work was reward enough for me. Anyway, inside the house, Tobey is passed out on the sofa. Douglas sits down at his desk, and then notices Marilyn Monroe's jacket in Tobey's bag. He stole it while Douglas was fighting with the dog. He shrugs, and goes to sleep in his chair.

The next morning, Douglas is the first one up. He heads outside and snags the paper, all while wearing a frilly pink bathrobe. He lights another joint, and I can actually see him thinking, "Look at me! I can do variety. No Master of the Universe here -- I'm wearing pink, for god's sake! That Oscar is sooo mine." He goes back inside and sits down to work on his book. He rolls a new sheet of paper into the typewriter, and puts on the page number -- 261. Then he waits a beat, and adds another "1," making it 2,611. Heh. Actually, I'd probably find that funnier if I wasn't already on page six of the recap. Act one just ended, by the way. Fade to white.