Dawson's Creek
Wonder Boys

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Boys in my hood
Cut to later. The gang is leaving the bar. Michael and Katie load Tobey's unconscious body into her car, and she agrees to drive him home. The only problem is that no one knows where he lives. Katie drove him to his aunt's house once, but he got out down the street, so she doesn't even know if that's it. Tobey wakes up enough to mutter something completely incomprehensible, and while I can't make out a word of it, Katie instantly knows that he's lost his backpack somewhere. Douglas tells her to take him back to his place. Doesn't this college have standards? Or dorms? Katie makes sure to let him know that she'll be up if he wants to "talk" when he gets home. So Douglas heads back to his car, where RDJ is apparently jonesing, since he's begging Douglas to get his bag out of the trunk. As Michael "Traffic" Douglas tries to drive off, Vernon Hardapple mysteriously appears and blocks their path. He's screaming and swearing and accusing Douglas of stealing his car, which confuses Douglas to no end. He tries to drive around Vernon, but he keeps blocking their path. Finally Vernon jumps up onto the hood ass-first, and leaves a big dent. He then bows and runs off. The gang looks freaked out as they drive away. Back at WordFest. The building is deserted. Douglas knocks on the door, and finally a student/janitor lets him in. There's some talk about how Good Will Bunting (Get it? He's a student/janitor…Now I just have to work in something about Woodrow Wilson to justify the "Bunting" part. Or point out that Sars can easily solve complex mathematical equations in addition to her comprehensive knowledge of all things grammatical ["she can't -- move along, nothing to see here" -- Sars]) is in Douglas's class, and then he hands over the backpack. Douglas checks inside and finds Tobey's manuscript, which is entitled "The Love Parade." That should most definitely not be the title of a Black Sabbath album. Douglas emerges from the building to find that RDJ has driven off with his car. You'll find that in addition to the rampant drug use and inappropriate student/teacher relationships, auto theft is also one of this movie's recurring themes. Douglas gets Will to "ride him home," and this movie steals my heart by incorporating actual Pittsburghese. Yinz guys wouldn't believe how folk talk dahn-'ere in the Burg. Janitor Boy responds with my new all-time favorite non sequitur: "Is it true that Errol Flynn used to put paprika on his dick? You know, 'cuz it was more stimulating for the chick." Douglas has no idea what he's talking about. Will Bunting thinks the backpack is his, and reminds him that he has Errol Flynn's biography in there. Douglas thinks about this for a moment, and then replies, "Yeah, it's true. He used to rub all kinds of stuff on there; salad dressing, ground lamb…" Good Will is enthralled by this. I'm modifying my grocery list.

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Dawson's Creek

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