Previously: Natasha cheated on Dawson with Todd; Audrey turned into an irritating and alcoholic pain in the ass; Joey and Oliver had sex.

Fade up. The camera pans across a very twee ceramic townscape, populated by little ceramic post offices and general stores and tiny little schoolhouses, the kind that people collect and then set out across the mantle at Christmas. "Once upon a time, in a galaxy not entirely unlike our own, there was a girl," Joey voice-overs. Oh, dear God. I hate the pretentious voice-over. Voice-overs in general are tough to pull off, I think, and this show rarely manages to craft one that doesn't make me want to puncture my eardrums with a fish fork. "There was nothing extraordinary about this girl. She was, by her own estimation, a relatively simple sort," Joey continues, as we pan across more of the town. I think "simple" is, really, a very nice word for the sort of girl Joey is. "Yet she was cursed," Joey says as we continue to pan across the Town of Twee. "For as long as she could remember, her romantic life had been something of a disaster. Boys fell too hard, too fast, or not at all." Oh, that's the saddest story I've ever heard! Too many boys love her too much! That's a tragedy! Let me find a hankie! Shut up, Joey. "She'd long since given up on the notion of a functional relationship." At nineteen? Sweet Mary! I didn't give up on love until I was at least twenty-five. "Which is why, in the winter of her nineteenth year, she was surprised to find herself in the company of a boy who made her feel as if the curse had been lifted, if only temporarily," Joey concludes. As I finish dry-heaving, the camera pulls back to reveal Joey and Oliver investigating the aforementioned twee, wee ceramic town, which has been set up in the window of a small local store.

Joey and Oliver walk the streets of Boston, all bundled up in their winter woolies. Instead of just enjoying the winter night and her dreamy escort's company, however, Joey decides to take this romantic setting as an invitation to berate the poor boy. "Chocolate or vanilla?" she asks. "Chocolate," Oliver tells her. Are we talking about ice cream here, or cupcakes? I'm a vanilla ice cream girl, but a chocolate cake girl. In case, you know, you want to send me some baked goods. Still, that's an important distinction. "Cake, or pie?" Joey asks. "Pie," Oliver says. "Coke or Pepsi?" Joey asks. "Coke," Oliver answers. "Christmas or Halloween?" she wonders. "Halloween," Oliver says. Joey flaps her arms and squeals that this settles it! They have nothing in common. Yes, that Cake Versus Pie distinction has ruined countless marriages. Maybe the reason that you're incapable of having a functional relationship, Joey, is that you refuse to pick your battles. Religion? Can be a stumbling block. Money is often an issue with couple. Children -- wanting them when one partner doesn't, and vice versa -- can be a deal-breaker. But pie? Pie never broke anyone. Oliver shrugs that at least the sex is good. "Please, I had better sex in elementary school," Joey twitters. Oh, ew! That's not even funny. That's just weird. Oliver just sighs and asks if they're done with "this month's Cosmo compatibility test." He wonders if they can please just "get on with [their] lives," and then kisses her. Joey pulls back and invites him, out of the clear blue sky, to "Christmas in Capeside." Oliver raises his brows and looks at the ground and says nothing.