Dead Last
Heebee Geebees

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Lights up on the very cool Discordant Diner. Blondie's "One Way Or Another" is playing, and my heart breaks. First a Revlon ad and now this? Please don't sell another song, you guys. They're all good, and I don't want you to ruin them like that. Please? I'll go see you again and buy another shirt if you tour!

Anyway, Scotty is running his mile-a-minute mouth to Jane and Trembly Manager Dennis about how Jane is "no longer a girl" to him and Yawn, because of all the time they spent on the road together. Oh, whatever. Jane gets even more straight-faced and acts likes this makes her powerless. Hey Jane, want to really piss off your bandmates? Make them Honorary Girls. I've done this to some of my guy friends if they listen to me kvetch for an extended period of time (or if we go shopping together and they have to wait while I try stuff on) and even though I mean it as a compliment, it drives guys nuts. Try it! It fights boy disease. Jane turns to Dennis and asks for backup on her announcement that Scotty is an "idiot," and Dennis, the rat, agrees that she is in fact no longer a girl. She is "a lady." Jane protests too much, and I have to take umbrage with her umbrage -- "Ma'am" is way worse. If they start Ma'aming her, she can slug them. But there ain't nothing wrong with being a lady, not in my book anyway.

Yawn comes to the table with lank, limp hair (no doubt a focus group decided that the slicked-back look was stank, but this? Is no improvement) and asks guess what. I guess you need to visit the barber, stat? I guess you now resemble an ersatz Xander Harris, but with less wit, charm, and brawn? I'll stop. Jane asks if she is still a girl to him, still "sexy and feminine," and Yawn says Jane is "one of the sexiest women (he's) ever known...in a sisterly kind of way." Damn, that's sweet. It'll be hard for me to hate you now. Oh right, the hair. Anyway, Yawn booked The Problem a gig at Heebee Geebee's. Oh, right [cough] -- HeeBee GB's, the famous fake rock club. You know, near St. Mike's Place, on the Cowery? That's great, but you know, I think about seven bands play there a night now, and on Mondays, its open mike night. Hey, they're from Boston. It's not that far a drive. Dennis is all "that place is overrated" and "are you sure you want to do this?" Yawn is so totally sure. He's been drooling over that dump since he was a baby! In fact, as a baby, he actually drooled on the place. And he hasn't stopped since. Dennis is like, where will we stay? Oh, that's right; NYC has a policy against tourists staying overnight. They like you to come in, buy your pizza, stand in front of The Today Show window, go shopping, and then split. But Yawn says there's a "pad" where out-of-town bands can "crash." Groovy, daddy-o. Dennis warns that they're going to see a lot of "sick, twisted stuff" in that town. A ghost rounds the counter with his head under his arm, and the band averts their eyes as Scotty mutters that he thinks they can handle it.

Start filmstrip: SINCE THE DAWN OF MAN, THE AMULET OF SAURYN HAS...hold on...need Scooby Snacks...IT IS THE AWESOME RESPONSIBILITY OF...not enough...hee hee, I love that guy at the chalkboard with the diagram of two circles, one saying "amulet," the other saying "ghosts"...okay, I hear an echo, I think I'm good.

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