Dead Last
The Mulravian Candidate

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The Tofu Prince Of Mahwah

Barside, Yawn pours a drink down his throat, turns around to survey the room, and wham. A lady in a bowtie with a tray full of glasses makes a saxophone start playing. Does everyone know that a saxophone playing means "boner"? Well, it does. When you hear the fluh-duh-floodle-doo of a torchy saxophone, cover your eyes. The chick is cute, but could you seriously be hot for someone in a bowtie? Yawn is acting stupefied. Flies buzz into his open mouth. Floo-doo! Doo-widdy-doo! Please, make it stop. They "banter," and she is "charmed," and she tells him to sit down and she'll bring him a drink. He's all like, "Score!" I'm all like, "Barf!"

Security dudes approach Hotty and Jane. Of COURSE they are party crashers. Ameritrash whispers into Hotty's ear to say that he is Prince Torbin of Mulravia. Hotty booms that he is Prince Tofu of Moronia. The security dude is like, "Anassholesayswhat?" No, I wish.

Katie the caterer walks up to Yawn, de-bowtied and looking cuter in an outfit women are meant to wear. Yawn is all like, "Duh, yammer yammer, you're a girl." Yes, she is. More "sexually charged" "banter." She actually says that his vow-of-celibacy bit is "an effective pick-up line." What he meant to say is that he's a virgin! With no herpes at all! Where's the freaking saxophone, I want to hit someone with it.

Hotty and Jane are talking to the Ameritrash ghost. Wow, he's a diplomat, and can park anywhere. This amazes Hotty. A neck-tied geek walks up and quizzes Hotty, and with Ameritrash feeding the answers into his ear, he passes. The real prince went to Choate, then Brown. Jane is his fiancée Ethel. Hotty is having a grand old time.

Yawn is still talking to Katie, and she is still listening. No, really. He's telling her some bullshit about not ever finding a place he wanted to settle down into...until he saw her face. That last part was me. He tells his band not to wait up and leaves with Katie.

Yawn and Katie, sitting in her car. More banter. He forgot the name of the hotel he's staying in. Does she have a phone book? She does. Okay, he will go with her to her apartment, but she's not to get any ideas. Vroom, they're off.

At Club Zero's, where Ameritrash is king, Ameritrash tells his "sad" "story." The royal family left Mulravia in 1949, he was born in Easthampton, and he thinks it was a lunatic general that wanted him dead. He misses his fancy princely life. Tiny violins play. What he wants from them is for Scotty to pose as the prince again, some more, and sign the $25 million foreign-aid package Mulravia gets from the U.S. Will they? The royal family gets all of the loot for piping oil through their country. Will they will they will they? Jane thinks it's "lame" that the people of Mawhatever get none of the cash, but hey. Will they? Is it even worth mentioning that Scotty and Ameritrash look absolutely nothing alike? Scotty says he "just wants to get on with his jazz." Makes sense to you? Care? Me neither.

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Dead Last

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