Daniel In The Lion's Den

Episode Report Card
Heathen: D | Grade It Now!
Who Am I? I'm Jean Valjean!

Wallace works his magic on a vending machine, trying to coax it into accepting his wrinkled dollar. It won't work. The machine is full, tired. It can't stand to dispense one more Nutrageous to this. Hildy waltzes over, grabs the dollar and successfully feeds the machine, buying a packet of Dots per Benton's request. Hildy says she'll swap a hot tip on Andriesen for a red Dot. Benton obliges. "John is keeping a Knicks city dancer on 68th and York," Hildy whispers, sticking the chewy candy to her front teeth. "You are the best person I have ever met," Wallace breathes, passing her another red Dot and sticking a green one to his own teeth. "I'm ga ta da," he spits, trying to say "I'm gonna fry his ass," but failing, as the captioners think he said, "I'm gonna try that." Hildy smiles prettily at him with two red Dots stuck to her teeth. "I ga fa eh goo." Okay, that's clearly, "I'm gonna fry it good," but the captioners think it says, "I'm gonna try it blue." You decide. But if you vote for me, I'll lower taxes. Either way, Lili Taylor and Oliver Platt make me laugh when they work together. I just wish the rest of the show wasn't so tedious.

Wally storms into Andrieson's office and announces he will barge right inside. The secretary attempts to call security. "Security won't get there," grins Wallace. "See, you pick up the phone" -- she does -- "and I walk in." As he saunters into Andrieson's office, Wallace cups his breasts and chants, "Go New York, Go New York, Go!" Repulsed, Andrieson instantly becomes a reformed adulterer. Wallace grabs a photo of Mrs. Andrieson and asks if she's the understanding type. Infuriated, Andrieson asks Benton what the hell he wants. Wallace explains that something doesn't compute -- he initially told police he couldn't see who threw the rock, then he turned around and fingered O'Hare at the trial. "The statute of limitations on perjury is five years," blurts Andrieson. Oh, this man is good under pressure. An absolute oak. Wallace marvels at how that information is on the tip of Andrieson's tongue. Then, Wally repeats the "Go, New York" chant in a girly voice while pinching his nipples. Wow, forget it -- after this, Andrieson isn't touching another woman again for the rest of his life. His wife probably wouldn't know the difference. Andrieson refuses to recant his testimony, but does say that a Carl Cavender infiltrated the SDS, then came to his dorm room and busted him for marijuana. "My father was running for re-election. It could've ruined him," Andrieson says. Cavender also threatened to have him sent to Vietnam in exchange for -- this part is implied -- false testimony incriminating O'Hare. Wallace is delighted and leaves the office with a wink.

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