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Lovers And Madmen

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Heathen: D | Grade It Now!
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No Sex For The Wicked

Wallace hits send, and a "bing" makes sure we know it actually happened. As she files her story, Brooke gets an email from Wallace and reads it curiously. Suspicion gives way to horror when she sees "He killed her" in the message. Quickly she fires one back asking if it's a joke. Now, whenever someone brings up killing when I'm with someone who had a loved one die spectacularly, I'm not going to bother asking about jokes. I'm just gonna bolt. But Brookie wants nooky, so she waits until Wallace's reply orders her the hell out of the house. Suddenly, Zander appears behind her, suckling on her neck. "I have a confession to make," Brooke stammers. "I like it a little kinky." Zander's curiosity -- among other things -- is piqued. She asks for four silk ties to enhance their passion, and they walk upstairs.

Nikki, curled up barefoot on a couch in her office, jumps when the phone rings. It's Brooke, who is fine and preparing to leave Zander's house. "He's tied up at the moment," she says. Brooke got the idea for tying up Zander from the bag of tricks she used during married life, designed expressly to keep Wallace's grubby mitts off her body. Nikki says the cover story is hers, and they hang up.

"Slayer Piano," the headline reads on Brooke Benton's front-page exposé. She and Wallace grab the paper and order coffee at a local diner. "Good thing you checked your email before beddy-bye," Wallace sing-songs. Brooke, pouring coffee, asks Wallace how he takes it. "Any way I can get it, hon," he replies. Brooke glares at him. "Do it yourself," she spits affectionately. "I do, you know," Wallace twinkles grossly. "And, Joycelyn Elders says I have nothing to be ashamed of." Wow. A classy l'il masturbation joke on NBC can only mean one thing: David E. Kelley Syndrome has infected Dick Wolf's writing team. For his part, DEK is sitting at home, thinking about the name Dick Wolf and fondling himself, because he yearns to dream up a name that naughty.

Next week, Nikki Masucci gets caught in a compromising position with a political candidate.

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