On the hustings, Merrick talks to an uninterested crowd about de Tocqueville's views on democracy in America, a publication which, obviously, very few of our nation's current leaders have studied. The Deadwoodians care as much about de Tocqueville as an audience of soccer moms. He finishes and invites E.B. up on stage to zero fanfare. "Your bosom must swell with pride," Hearst drones as E.B. begins his anti-Semitic diatribe against Sol. "The swellings and the saggings of the tit," Al counters, all jokey, I lay at the exactions of time." Hardy har, Al. Hearst says he means that Al worked so hard to put together all this election stuff, and that to work without pleasure makes us our destiny's slaves. GET OUT OF THERE, AL. Jump off the roof, whatever! You're making me nervous even being there.

E.B. distracts me with his breathtaking racism. "I'll not question those either who have faith in my rival, or make faith an issue of any sort," he says, whistling and making a gesture of a large nose. Sol and Bullock both clench. "We are long past the time of the Pharaohs," E.B. continues, stupidly. "I cannot decree Mr. Star make exodus."

Hearst continues to needle Al. "Were you whipped, Mr. Swearengen?" he asks, causing Al's eyes to narrow. "And does the lash snap still? Do you wait for the strike after all these years?" Oh, SHUT UP, MAJOR DAD. I can't wait for somebody to stab you. Al tries a comeback. "Would the grip have been the part you were versed with?" he asks. Hearst says that to the contrary, he was born to neither power nor money.

E.B. is finishing up in the most hilarious piece of writing I have seen on TV, ever. "A clear choice for Deadwood!" he shouts. "Farnum, twice measured. Star, once cut. E.B. Farnum! Assayed and proven true! Farnum! Christ knows he's earned it!" All over Washington, notes are feverishly made for the White House tree lighting ceremony this holiday season.

Johnny, Dan, and Adams nervously watch their boss man in what looks like an innocent conversation with Hearst. It ain't. "When last we spoke," he reminds Al, "you warranted your willingness to interfere with me." Oh my God, Al. PLEASE jump off the roof. You've done it before!