Nothing's Free, Little Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good

Joanna: "Yes, Mr. Bowers?"
Robert: "How about your first official task is find Julian? I'm not getting him on cell and I just have the weirdest vibes, like I'm Spider-Slut over here. If you need singles, just hit petty cash."


She is like in Beauty and the Beast when everything sings - like, the dishware and the sconces are all singing. Only instead of breakfast foods, mostly it's just coke and booze and tits.

Julian: "You are such a good friend, Cassie. Users are always so sweetly and protectively predatory. You're like one of those girls you go shopping with and end up spending twice as much as her, because she can't bear to shop alone. You're like a feeder."
Cassie: "Drink this potion full of God knows what. You won't feel a thing."
Julian: "Cassie, you know just the right thing to say. Because that was incredibly on the nose. You see, I want to numb my feelings. Because my sister was murdered."
Some Socialite: "Sorry about your dead sister. She was so fun."
Julian: "I'm fun too!"

He downs his drink and unbuttons his shirt a little bit and... does a cannonball? What do gross socialite drug addicts who go swimming in the middle of the day think is fun? When I try to imagine these parties, I just remember that part in American Psycho where they light the hundred-dollar bills on fire and wave them in front of the hobos. My most favorite part of any book. But you can't trust those books for veracity, not since the '80s. I bet there aren't even any vampires in LA anymore. Just Scientologists.


Mia: "Hey do you want a bunch of this Oxy? Being a teen drug dealer is a full-time personality."
Boy: "My hair looks like carpet. Thanks for being my friend anyway... and also giving me free drugs."

Mia snaps at a girl who is taking her picture during a drug deal, but like it's not a huge issue. The actual thing she says, though, is lame and also the same joke gets used in about five minutes, so it's a wash all over.

Boy: "If you're wondering whether you will end up like your dead sister, the answer is no. If you were worried."
Mia: "Oh, do go on."
Boy: "I mean, she was a known heroin addict. And plus all those sex tapes. Which I don't judge, I mean, they were very classy. Lots of candles."

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