Samantha: "...I don't really think you killed that Yaeger girl."
Edward: "Really? Then you're dumb, because I totally do."
Samantha: "At first I was disappointed, I mean, the whole reason I sought you out for marriage was because I thought you were a rape-strangler. But when it turned out you were just a spoiled rich kid like the rest of them I thought hey, at least I can be penpals with serial killers in prison and have you bankroll it. Knowing that nobody else would ever have you."
Edward: "It is nice being married to you, depending on what episode."
Julian: "Audrey Cruz, it's me. Julian Bowers. Your ex-boyfriend, and the worst thing about this entire show."
Audrey: "Hold that thought, because I am packing some heat in that department. Check out my weird facial tics and insufferable smirking."
Julian: "Oh, yeah? Is this a contest? Because I can easily out-smirk you and be one-tenth as believable while I'm doing it."
Audrey: "Congratulations on Lyritrol, I mean it."
Julian: "Congratulations on being a consultant for our competitor. I exposit it."
Audrey: "Congratulations on we are going to market before you."
Julian: "Congratulations on coming with me to my sister's cotillion tonight."
Audrey: "Congratulations on... Wait, what?"
Julian: "The FDA is fast-tracking Xyrix and we're still on hold? Did you not talk to Senator Haverstock?"
Robert: "If by 'talk' you mean did I punch him in the mouth and send blood flying everywhere, then yes I did."
Julian: "In all seriousness do you not see how you are setting me up for failure?"
Robert: "Nope. Anyway, where'd you get this info?"
Julian: "Audrey Cruz. Just as terrible as ever."
Robert: "She's fantastic! I want her to be our consultant. Make it happen."
Julian: "Uh, okay. That makes no sense, but I'm bringing her to cotillion anyway."
Robert: "Lawyer? Tell me about the lawyer things."
Julian: "I'm gonna go..."
Robert: "This is very important! Much more important than you. Get out!"
Joanna: "Julian, wait up. I need to apologize to you about our date where I nearly stabbed you with a corkscrew. That was not The Rules, I misread..."
Julian: "Love to stay and chat, I just have a couple murders to commit real quick. Rain check?"
Motorcycle: "What young vagabond does not appreciate the classic look of pearls?"
Mia: "I guess they're so I won't blow you. Or ruin cotillion in my usual lame, cigarette-smoking way."
Motorcycle: "What thirty-two year old ne'er-do-well does not enjoy a social debut?"
Mia: "No way are you coming to cotillion. Get crucial."
Motorcycle: "Then I'm out! I thought you liked motorcycles!"
Mia: "I DO! THAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE, IDIOT!"
Runs into the bedroom fully clothed, wiping herself down with a towel like this: "Hoo!" I guess she was doing yoga or something, but it's a super weird, super Sofia way to start things.
Sofia: "Robert! Why are you home in the middle of the day, with me all dewy? I know you're not just here to get dressed for cotillion!"
Robert: "Uh no, because it's in five hours. I am here to stress out about FameJunkie.com, whom my lawyers just told me have uncovered our dastardly dude ranch scheme."
Sofia: "It's that goddamn Buffy, I just know it. Shoulda taken her down when we she popped up at that dude ranch so long ago. Well, too late now. You buy FameJunkie.com, I'll put on my best tennis outfit and go choke that bitch out."
Robert: "Maybe we should have told Mia about this at some point before now."
Sofia: "She's gonna want to know who her father is, Robert. And that's when the real shit starts."
I'll point out that, although this show has very little substance so you could be forgiven for thinking we have gotten to this revelation early, the truth is that we are halfway through the entire series, so right about now is actually the correct time for shit to start going down.
As much as I don't care for this Audrey Cruz person, that's half as much as I love her boss Frank, the CEO of the company making Xyrix, Lyitrol's competitor. He's charming, he has a soothing way.
Audrey: "I'm going to Mia Bowers's cotillion."
Frank: "Great, let's fuck 'em up from every direction."
Audrey: "I don't enjoy this. This whole thing where I do my job, it's..."
Frank: "So don't. Stay within your comfort zone, what do I care?"
Audrey: "Robert Bowers gave me my first job. This isn't easy!"
Frank: "I'm not arguing with you. Stop pretending to feel guilty because you think it's what you're supposed to do. And also, Robert Bowers would sell you for body parts if he thought it could move a few more aspirin. Get real."
Nichole comes running into Darcy's office, yelling about the Mia Bowers story, but she has a surprise in store. Is it that hoodies and yoga pants are not acceptable office attire? I mean, you get that they're "bloggers" and thus they wear pajamas to work, but that leaves out the part where the girl left her home wearing pajamas, got on the subway in her pajamas, and rode an elevator up to this office wearing pajamas. Do you know what I mean? I do my work in my pajamas, but that's because my office is my kitchen island. I still wear clothes when I leave the house. It's a fight, I'm not gonna lie. But it's a fight I'm still winning, by God.
Robert: "I'm afraid there's not going to be a Mia Bowers story, honey."
Nichole: "Darcy, what say you?"
Darcy: "He bought us, it's kind of obvious."
Nichole: "You gutless cow!"
Darcy: "That was uncalled for. You are fired. Go pack up your yoga pants."
Will: "Okay, Joanna. This incredibly complicated maneuver is go. You're gonna walk down a hallway..."
Joanna: "Slow down, slow down!"
Will: "First, grab Robert's corporate ID..."
Joanna: "Done. Now, what's this about a hallway?"
Will: "I just hope this is worth it, Ben Preswick."
Nichole: "Robert Bowers! I am speaking truth to power here!"
Robert: "No, you're just shitting on a sixteen-year-old because you're poor."
Nichole: "Your family chooses to live in the spotlight!"
Robert, verbatim: "You sad little cipher, with your third-rate J-school diploma. Why don't you just get back on whatever bus brought you to my city? You think you're Bob Woodward? The work you do is meaningless. The life you live is meaningless. You should get out of my way. I have eyes everywhere. And don't even think about taking this story anyplace else. I'd kill you before I'd let you turn this sweet child's life upside down to advance your pathetic excuse for a career."
Nichole: "I picked a bad day to go off my meds."
Robert: "Joanna, I'm heading back to the office. Make sure you're not doing anything unbelievably simple and easy."
Joanna: "Shit! Robert's on his way back to the office."
Will: "It's okay. Just stay calm. At the end of this hallway, you will see computers."
Joanna: "I do not have visual on these 'computers.' What do they look like?"
Ben Preswick: "Like computers, ma'am."
Joanna: "I'm in!"
Ben Preswick: "Great, now open a file marked Asia & Pacific Outflows..."
Joanna: "Slow down slow down. What is a 'file'?"
Doorman: "Mr. Bowers, where is your ID? It is for security."
Robert: "I don't know. Plea