Julian: "Audrey, you came to cotillion!"
Audrey: "Yes, but I am conflicted about it."
Julian: "Is that why you keep making those fucked up faces?"
Audrey: "No, that is just my face."
Robert: "Audrey Cruz, as I live and breathe. And I see you brought your affectations with you. I think we could really use a smug asshole like you over on Lyritrol. I would like to make you an offer, gauche as that seems."
Audrey: "I have a contract ruder that says I'm not even allowed to hear your offer."
Sofia: "Then I guess enjoy the free cocktails and shrimp, bitch."
Audrey leaves, literally, to go vomit. Of all the ludicrous people on this show, this lady who literally keeps walking into her own discomfort with her eyes wide open is possibly the most ludicrous. You can say it's because she still has feelings for Julian, but honestly I don't buy that for one second, because Julian does not pass basic muster. If you're going to have the entire cast leaping headlong into disaster just for one single glimpse of a dong, that dong should at least be attached to somebody you don't want to smack on sight. Not even the original actor from the pilot, who I love, could make this underwritten dork more appealing.
Joanna: "Now can we talk about how I tried to attack you with a corkscrew and accused you of murdering your pregnant sister?"
Julian: "Nah, we're good. Let's dance!"
So then they dance, because Julian is bored of being bitchy about that. Once Audrey returns from barfing, Joanna is left alone. Don't be sad, Joanna. The second Audrey betrays him utterly he'll just move on to some other ethnicity, and Audrey will be on the sidelines next to you. But wait, who's this? Senator Awesome, it seems, is also in attendance -- his niece, the excellently named Whitney Pinger, is also making her debut.
Sofia: "Jesus Christ, Robert. Time and place. This is about Mia, remember?"
Robert: "Mia. Yes, our fake daughter. I can bludgeon Haverstock at any old public gala."
Sofia: "Just drink more, it's what I'd do. It's what I'm doing."
At some point in here, Senator Haverstock catches Joanna's attention, and -- in what is surely the MVP play of the entire episode -- doesn't break eye contact as he reaches out and snaps the beak off of an ice sculpture of a swan. It is some legendary shit. He drops the beak into his martini glass, swirls it around, and gives her some kind of hubba-hubba creepshow grin that reminds you what we're all here to see. Even Joanna seems impressed by how balls-out crazy/awesome Haverstock is.
Mia: "Give me that flask, Carpet."
Carpet: "I got a blowout for this shindig, can't you tell?"
Mia: "Yeah, now your hair looks like shag carpet. You know what's stupid? Cotillion."
Carpet: "How can you say that?"
Mia: "Nothin' says you're ready for marriage like dancing with your dad."
Carpet: "Wow, you're right. What the hell are we doing here?"
He heads off to do some bullshitty Nice Guy stuff to people, and it's mortifying and gross as usual, and then he figures out that Mia is Vivian's daughter and that's why everybody is looking at their phones. For an Edward's Key Search amount of time, he tries to shut it down, but this is the information age, baby. Nichole Frishette will have her shitty revenge.
SOME PEDO BAR IN BROOKLYN
Motorcycle: "I mean yeah, I guess I called her an airheaded celebutante in a rich-bitch dress, but... Isn't that what these society girls want? Some kinda rough trade throwing fits about cotillion?"
Pedo Bartender: "Was she wearing pearls? Tell me she was wearing pearls. Like a little girl playing dress-up in mommy's pearls. Yeahhhh."
Pedo Bystander: "Hey Motorcycle, isn't that your child bride on TV, having her parentage put on shout? She'll probably be real drunk and vulnerable by now. Wobbling on her heels, throwing around mommy's pearls..."
Motorcycle: (Is just a barstool spinning around and a vrooming sound outside.)
Samantha: "Ben Preswick?"
Edward: "Ben Preswick. But I paid a hot dog vendor to spy for me."
Samantha: "That checks out."
Joanna: "How's your head where Ben Preswick bashed it in?"
Edward: "What the fuck are you, an expert of heads? Did you go to college for that? Miss Bitch's School Of Cranial Injury & Domestic Violence?"
Samantha: "Criminy, Edward."
Joanna: "It's okay, I'm used to his uncalled-for rudeness."
Edward, on phone: "Ben Preswick? Gotcha. Sam, it's Ben Preswick. He..."
Samantha: "Say no more. Now Joanna, come sit with me! I'm still into pretending that we are friends or that we have ever met. What a pretty dress! Can I touch your hair?"
Joanna: "Did you know my eyebrows are tattooed on?"
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the 105th annual Metropolitan Debutante Ball..."
Ken Leung: "Will! Ben Preswick just made bail. Fifty freakin' grand!"
Will: "Not too shabby for an unemployed guy on the run. Wait, who paid it?"
Ken: "More importantly, why are we all at work right now?"
Mia: "Why's my phone off? Surely no Nice Guys in the vicinity would have turned it off to protect me from reality, that would be too hideous."
Carpet: "Enjoy your last forty seconds of childhood, don't worry about it!"
Her escort is hot. The rest of these kids... One wants to be generous, so one stays mum. But these are some jacked-up looking kids. Perhaps chosen for that purpose. For all I know maybe this is an actual cotillion and that's why they all look like Habsburgs and the nightmares of drunken Dumbo, but whatever it is, I'm staying quiet about it. They all stare at her, like in that Twilight Zone about the plastic surgery people, and finally Mia snags a phone off somebody -- after about an hour of Carpet playing keepaway with her phone and generally acting just like every other shitty guy on this show.
TO BUILD A HOME
Mia makes her debut at the top of a balcony, and that Cinematic Orchestra song starts playing, and it's so beautifully filmed and powerful, in a way. It feels and looks like a setpiece, but without the emotional buy-in of the rest of us, it's like watching a musical montage in a show you've never seen before: Devoid, in certain ways, of the entire point.
"Who's that girl?"
"Oh, that's Meredith Grey. Her sister died. Her dad died, and her mom died a few times. And George O'Malley died. Meredith died for like three episodes. Christina Ricci inadvertently caused Coach Taylor to become a pink mist. One time a lesbian walked into the parking garage and was never seen again. And then that lady there, she has no leg."
"Why is this Coldplay song playing?"
"Because everybody died."
Robert: "I'm so proud of you. You're like a father's dream."
Mia: "It's true, isn't it? It's all over the internet, Dad. Why wouldn't you tell me? What'd she... She didn't want me? Did you take me away from her? She's dead! I never got to know her like that!"
Robert: "Calm down, Mia. I love you, and Sofia loves you... Let's just get you out of here, you're causing a pileup. We can talk..."
Mia: "We had sixteen years to talk about it!"
Mia rips off Cleopatra's pearls and flings them at Sofia's feet, runs out of there into the oncoming paparazzi, and then there's an ill-advised montage of Mia freaking out from several different directions and begging them to stop taking pictures of her in this weird wedding gown, crying, and then the vroom-vroom sound of