Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Humiliation. It's not something I'm really into, which makes talking about this episode difficult. But unfortunately, sometimes you do for money what you would not do for love, like watch this show. This show where Bree is dressed like Boof from Teen Wolf, rollerblading and having a hot flash because menopause is the death all women fear. Even Samantha lost something when she got the menopause, and then the next thing you know she had to have chemotherapy. So, you know, it's a slippery slope.

Five-foot, 11-inch Brian Austin Green was born the 15th of July, in 1973. Making him, roughly, old. Marcia Cross, on the other hand, was a vibrant 48 on her last birthday, March 25. I won't say that she hasn't had some work done, because she has had too much work done, but when you're on a cast with Teri Hatcher, it's like standing in the tracks of a brontosaurus on the bottom of a now-dry river. Your sense of scope is all off and fucked. It's how they made the Hobbits look like Hobbits. Just over eleven years' age difference.

So this hot flash is of such power that it knocks her ass sideways and she falls down on her rollerblades (rollerblades) and into the bushes like she's Susan Delfino, and he's like, "Is this because we're having dinner with my parents?" And she's like, "No, it's just really hot!" And even though his mother is going through the Change, and at 48 Bree should probably know what is going on, too, this episode is so fucking stupid in every way that they both think maybe she's dying. Then she pitches sideways again on the pavement, and because she's so old and decrepit and worthless, her hot young boyfriend, who is less than 12 years younger than her and looking every bit his 37 years of age, that guy? He hits the fucking bricks, assuming she is dead.

The paramedic lady stares at them for awhile, trying to figure out if they're retarded or lying or what is going on, and finally points out that clearly Bree is entering menopause, which is something that happens to everyone and thus doesn't actually mean anything about you or say anything about Bree's character heretofore, but because she's already been married twice and done both the widow story and the wheelchair story, for her new man she needs somebody young that she doesn't actually respect. And since a woman can't want sex -- especially a woman over a certain age -- without being made fun of, this story is suddenly about Bree's vanity. Not the stretched monster mask that was once her beautiful face, no: The screeching impossibility that either of them have ever heard of menopause or what it means.

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Desperate Housewives

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