Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Flipper: Faster Than Lightning & Smoother Than Silk

Keith's drama detector finally goes off and he interrupts his own crying jag -- just like a toddler! -- to remind them both that this entire fight is 100% grade-A bullshit because they have been together for like two months and fighting about kids is what only truly desperate fuckers do after two months. He grabs onto her like a life vest or a mommy and they decide to be happy just a little while longer, before the futility dooms them and the inevitable happens: They break up, or she falls apart into little papery scraps.

Gabby has changed her mind again: She doesn't want Carlos to go on the trip after all. Guess who? The other gay person in the universe! Lee, your ex-husband! The one that is now on drugs and left you because my husband and I dicked you around about having a baby to the point that it drove you both crazy! And now Lee's fat, because gay people hate being called fat! She literally smooshes them together like she's experimenting with lesbian Barbies, and they try to explain to her how this is yet another offensive fucking thing, and she's like, "Tish tosh! You're gay!" And they're like, "You're right!" And so then they fuck, because you know how they are: Uncomplicated. Lotta sound and fury, but when you get down to it, they're pretty interchangeable. That's why they make such great fuckin' pets. Gabby walks out onto the porch, into the sunlight, feeling fucking great about herself, and then an airplane lands on her stupid face.

"Humiliation. It's not always something we can avoid. We may have wives who insult our masculinity [like Carlos, who should just start hitting her already]. We may take jobs we feel are beneath us [like Susan, beneath whom literally no job is because she is incapable of even the simplest tasks]. We may have boyfriends who make us feel old [like that old crumpled piece of mess and tissue they used to call Bree]. Yes, there are all sorts of ways to be humiliated in life [like Beth, getting patted down and then patted on as she enters the jail chain]. But the surest way to get your dignity back," Mary Alice explains -- and this better be fucking good, because we've got a serious dignity deficit going tonight -- "Is to get what you've been waiting for!"

That's right, the end of this absolutely terrible episode! Well, and the secret of Paul and Derek, which Felicia can't wait to hear about and which causes her to heap loads of desperately wished-for approval on her daughter's creepy little head.

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Desperate Housewives




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