Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Flipper: Faster Than Lightning & Smoother Than Silk

So Renee will "woo the clients, be the face of the company," and Lynette will do all the "businessy stuff." Who will actually design the interiors? That will be sort of a joint effort, considering neither of them have ever done anything like that. Lynette goes into a hazy Nine To Five place about bringing her baby to work, and Renee balks. "Well, that won't work. Everything at my place is metal and sharp." Reminded that it is not, she pushes the joke too far: "Then I'll have metal and sharp things brought in. No babies in my house."

And they can't work at Lynette's house, either, because it looks like a "tipped-over hamper," which I have to admit is a nice turn of phrase. So they talk about how she's been trying to get a nanny for this one baby, but that so far it just means putting Momma in a home, and Renee's like, "Do we know anybody sucky that will do anything for money? Literally anything at all? Because she has no survival instinct or marketable skills, such as being a famous and successful illustrator for years before ever meeting her husband?"

Cut to Susan, who has fulfilled her potential of being unable to provide even basic sustenance for her child, just as we suspected. She is literally counting out pennies at the grocery store and fighting with that awful child of hers about generic cereals and then she has to put things back and they're dumb Susan things like fabric softener, and the whole thing is, yes, very humiliating. But also not something that needs to happen in your life, after a certain point. At some point, you just do the fucking math. Not Susan, though! She says the word crap and her awful child tells her to put a nickel in the swear jar and she screams about how it used to be a quarter, but they've even had to mark down their swears!

The lady asks her to donate a buck to poor people and -- in what I can only imagine seemed like a very relatable sentiment, considering how terribly this episode seems to think of every single one of us -- she screams, "So don't talk to me about the poor, because I am the poor! Where's my little jar at the checkout stand? There is none!" And I can see again, you're saying, "But Jacob, in my worst moments as a human being I've thought to myself, where is the charity jar for me?" but honestly, is that really true? Because probably that means you're an asshole, too.

"You burnt the meatloaf again?" is literally a line somebody said on television in 2010. "And what's with the candles and the good china, is it our anniversary?" is another one. Perhaps you remember these hilarious jokes from every other TV show you've ever seen. Turns out Gabrielle is having dinner on china by candlelight to thank the gay one for helping them find her misplaced baby. And at this classy dinner, she'll be serving meatloaf.

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Desperate Housewives




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