Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Flipper: Faster Than Lightning & Smoother Than Silk

Other things Gabrielle thinks Bob might like: "Opera? Figure skating? Beauty pageants? Barbra?" It is at this point that Bob stands up, thanks them both for dinner, and apologizes because he can't stay. It is at this point that Bob says, "No, but I'd sure like a turn with your wife, Carlos!" It is at this point that Bob says, "No, but I'd love some tamales, and for you to pierce my infant daughter's ears." It is at this point that Bob says, "Look bitch, gay men aren't toys, or zoo animals, or tiny dogs you keep in your purse."

Just kidding, he doesn't say any of those things because Gabrielle has the balls to get pissed at him for not being gay enough. "Ever think the reason Lee broke up with you is you're not gay?" And when he and Carlos start talking about basketball she goes, "Hey, hey, hey! You kiss boys with that mouth?" And when Bob and Carlos decide to get the fuck on up out of there so she can play out this macabre fa├žade all by herself, she goes, "I thought I knew you! Now all of a sudden you're talking beer and basketball? It's like you're not even a..." Mad-lib: "A tired gay stereotype?" Not that she understands that he is not-so-subtly pointing out how fucking rude she's being, or anything: "Exactly. It's very upsetting! I can't even look at you right now."

Which, maybe you think that's funny, who am I to say what is funny for every single person, but Jesus. Who is being served there? Are you supposed to think to yourself, "God, I'm glad I'm such a more enlightened fag hag than Gabrielle. I would never treat my gay boyfriend like that." No. Because he's not your boyfriend, and he's not a fag, and you should respect each other more than that.

Or are you supposed to think, "Man, straight women do that to me all the time! You just have to laugh, I guess. Women are stupid." No. Because women aren't stupid, and the gay man/straight woman alliance is not about becoming less, it's about becoming more. Gay men and straight women are the only people on earth who upset the balance of masculine power -- just by existing -- enough that entire codes of conduct have to be created to shut them up and make them weak, and infantilize them, and turn them into shallow Paris Hilton wannabes so their voices don't matter and their subjective sexuality doesn't frighten the horses. And this generation you're looking at -- the one that is telling this story -- is all about validating those powerless roles for each other. We're all show queens and we're all Gabrielle, and that's exactly where they want us. But really, the world is a lot better than that, and most of us have figured that out. Not this show, though.

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Desperate Housewives




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