Desperate Housewives

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Gabby's pissed because Bree's filthy menopause might get on her and make her look old. Renee is pissed because she's a one-dimensional catty bitch that should not be allowed in any of their homes, and because Bree won't listen to her advice about how cougars should pretend that menopause is a lie and is not happening, and that we should always lie to men about everything, so that we can keep a man, because being married is the only thing that matters, and because without the magic of a penis nearby you're just, well, Susan Delfino. Bree's pissed because menopause means she's not a woman anymore, because she can't incubate the sperms of a 37-year-old former castmember of a teen soap. McCluskey is pissed because every single one of them is insulting her to her fucking face.

Renee calls Susan and manages to make it sound like she is inviting her to join their firm, when really she is inviting Susan to be Lynette's nanny. It's a cold day in hell when a miscommunication is the root of Susan's problems, but that's today: This one is legitimately not her fault. You know, considering her art background and the fact that Lynette was a pizza mogul, and that Renee's whole resume is being a ho, it makes sense they'd want at least one person. But then the circumstances of her running right over and accepting the job are such that she can't really back out once they've explained the revolting truth.

"I guess I'll take this job that's beneath me," she stutters. "Motherhood and rearing children are so fucking demeaning. If only I still had my job where I was vacuuming with my funbags out. That's just so much more in line with my station."

Bree goes to see her OB-GYN, but since she's on maternity leave -- "There's some salt in the wound," says the barren withered old donkey that is Bree -- she's got Dr. Warner. Played by Nancy Travis, from So I Married An Axe Murderer and other movies that wouldn't also serve as the title of this show. (Birthday 21 September 1961, making Nancy Travis nearly twelve when Brian Austin Green was born.) Dr. Warner is also going through the Change and, though she is married to a paternalistic Army man played by Bo Duke, is excited to hear about the tadpole of a strange woman she's never met and that they are fucking so often she has to drug him to leave her alone. "Check you out!" wangles Dr. Eyebrows at Bree, and then gives her an exam and they discuss lots of fun ways to lie to younger men and to yourself about how old your vagina is getting.

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Desperate Housewives

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