Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Flipper: Faster Than Lightning & Smoother Than Silk

The other gay one has been doing crystal methamphetamine since last week, so you can't really understand what he's talking about, but he needs to spy on Bob's house from Gabby's house because Bob is having an affair with a hunky Latino. He heard this from one member of their sad gay-ghetto group of friends who heard it from another member of their sad gay-ghetto group of friends and so forth, because that is all gay men do: Gossip about each other and occasionally go into the straight universe for visits to antique dealers and the farmer's market. Gabrielle laughs and explains that no, Bob is just dating her husband, and is thus the luckiest man alive.

But the joke is on her! Because Bob is one of those awful gay men you hear about who gets straight men drunk and then molests them, "flipping" them into being gay just through sexual assault, and that probably this will happen to Carlos, because Bob is the master of turning men homosexual through raping them. The whole time he's doing this gross hand-flipping motion that represents metaphorical flipping but also literal flipping, because -- maybe you don't understand this, because it's quite subtle -- sometimes Bob "flips" the men over onto their stomachs, the better to insert his penis into their rectums. It's a very quick process, but one that instantly turns you gay. So you better watch out!

Gabrielle thinks this is all fun and games, but then who should drive up but Carlos, with Bob's dick still in him. Lee acts all paranoid because he is on drugs -- gay men love their tina! -- and she tells him get out of there, using the backdoor. "I always do!" he whispers, and leaves. Because -- maybe you don't understand this, because it's quite subtle -- Lee prefers to insert his penis into the rectums of other men, while Bob prefers usually to receive the penises of other men in his own rectum, although occasionally he can himself be "flipped." It's not what turned him gay, but it helps.

And now you know everything there is to know about gay men and what they get up to. And even more hilariously, now you know what these particular fictional characters -- no matter how unlikely it seems, given their personalities to this point -- are apt to get up to with each other. Quite a strike for the revolution, this episode. Why, I feel more accepted and loved already! It really does get better!

Lynette's just finishing up the marketing plan and billing structure when Renee casually asks, "So Lynette, do you like it up the ass?" Just kidding, that would be totally inappropriate and needlessly objectifying. Instead, she stares blankly and disinterestedly at her until Susan comes downstairs hoping desperately to make it to the ball on time so her prince can finally get that shoe back on her nasty foot. Lynette tries to strike up a conversation with Susan, even though it's awkward because she is a servant in the Scavo home now, but Susan just keeps ducking her head and saying "yes mum, no mum" until finally Lynette literally goes, "Did you guys know that the state of Rhode Island can fit into Alaska 424 times? Read that once on a cup. Never forgot it."

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Desperate Housewives




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