The boys are back in town: Mike's awake, Andrew's come home, and John the Gardener's here for a quick trim of Gabby's hedges. Here's how it happens: Susan and Ian go away to his cabin for the weekend. After first pausing to let their insecurities run wild -- how little experience he's had (the only other woman he's slept with is his wife) versus the eleven notches on her bedpost -- they finally do the deed. Which means that Susan's not at the hospital when Mike finally opens his eyes -- but Edie sure is! Lynette and Gabby go to the spa for the weekend, leaving Tom takes the kids on a camping trip. But Tom's trick back goes out (the trick being that it seems to go out whenever Lynette really needs to do something important for herself), and Lynette has to come to the rescue. Unfortunately, Snora manipulates her way into the rescue party, and the two women embark on a bicker festival of a road trip. In the middle of all the snaps and snips, Snora reveals that Tom isn't happy in advertising, which is why he hasn't been trying very hard to get a job. Thus illuminated, Lynette gives Tom carte blanche to pursue whatever his dreams may be -- a far too open-ended offer of support that's sure to pave the way for some unpleasant storylines (Tom Opens An Emu Farm, or Tom Takes An Erotic Massage Class, or Tom Paints His Stomach To Look Like A Face And Learns To Dance So It Looks Like His Bellybutton Is Whistling). Back at the spa, Gabby runs into John the Gardener who, it turns out, is now rich with his own landscaping company. They sleep together (Gabby has a trick back of her own...a trick mattress back), but then his fiancée shows up and Gabby is forced to make her escape by packing herself into John's luggage. Bree and Orson are all set to leave town for their honeymoon, but while waiting to board their flight, Bree spots a news story about homeless teens, with son Andrew front and center. She cancels the honeymoon and tracks down Andrew, but he's not at all interested in coming home. Bree is sad. Orson is sympathetic. Orson tracks down Andrew and tries to bond with him over their shared issues with rage management. Andrew resists, but by episode's end, he's back on Wisteria Lane. Oh, and Julie blows a fuse, literally, and Abby Austin has to come over and stand very, very close as he shows her how her fuse box works. Also literally.
Previously: all the stuff that happened last week (Julie met Edie's abdominally fortified nephew, Austin, Xiao Mei gave birth to the wrong baby, etc.), plus the part about how Bree abandoned Andrew by the side of the road back in Season 2.
Orson and Bree are at the airport, poised to jet off on their honeymoon. The screen melts into a "fantasy blur," and MAVO walks us through the many hopes and dreams that Orson had for this trip: lots of very cinematic shots of Bree and Orson lounging by the pool, making out in their five-star hotel bed, clinking champagne glasses in First Class. ["Either Orson is totally my ideal mate, or I am Orson." -- Wing Chun] I guess Orson's fantasies are so rosy that even Bree's alcoholism is somehow no longer a problem...either that or, uh oh, Orson doesn't even know about Bree's boozing?
Back in the now, Orson sighs and asks Bree if she knows how "happy" the two of them are going to be. Bree: "I don't need to be any happier than I am already at this very second!" They smile, they kiss. Bree notices that their flight is just about ready to board, and tells Orson that if he wants his "latte," it's now or never. Does First Class not have lattes? Orson scampers off, so Bree is alone when the television in the boarding area airs a newscast about homeless teens in the area. And there's Andrew, sunburnt and scruffy. He tells the interviewer that it's not all bad, living on the streets; there's all sorts of neat stuff to be found in dumpsters -- in fact, just last night he "found almost a whole bucket of chicken that had hardly been touched!" The interviewer turns to the camera and sums up Andrew's "heart-wrenching" story: "An alcoholic mother, a father murdered by the woman's boyfriend, and a childhood shattered the day his mother abandoned him on the side of the road." Well, when you put it that way....
Bree, standing now, looks like someone's kicked her in her perfectly toned stomach. On cue, an older woman sitting nearby says to Bree, "I'll tell you one thing: some people just should never be allowed to have children." Bree yelps and starts gathering up her stuff. Orson returns from his latte run and immediately notices that something's wrong. Bree tells him what she just saw, and he says, "Oh my god! Well, we'll call child welfare the minute we get to the resort." Bree is shocked that Orson thinks that they're still actually going on their honeymoon. Confused, Orson argues that the trip is "non-refundable." Bree, in full indignant mother bear mode: "My son is eating out of dumpsters!" Orson suggests that Bree will be much more equipped to deal with this situation after a nice, relaxing trip, and she snaps that if he's going to make her choose between him and her son, Orson is going to "lose": "Now please, get your ass in gear." I am fantastically annoyed by this sudden burst of self-righteousness from Bree: just where, exactly did she think Andrew was hanging out all this time? With no money besides the small wad of cash she gave him? And with ties to his grandparents effectively severed, also thanks to Bree? Ugh.