Desperate Housewives
Ah, But Underneath

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Ah, But Underneath

Last week: Mary Alice Young shot herself and no one knows why! Not her husband! Not her neighbors! Not the audience! Gabrielle Solis found herself in a shitty marriage with a guy who buys her lots of stuff to make up for the fact that -- well, you know, like I said, shitty marriage. So she screws the hot gardener to make herself feel better. The hot gardener was last seen on Passions as hot but boring almost-virgin Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald, a character who left town to chase after his boring virgin girlfriend, who was interesting only when she was trapped in a giant block of ice and her Evil Zombie Twin was walking around town impersonating her. Oh, I guess he was interesting that time he was in his best friend's closet, and her house got sucked into the depths of hell. That was good. Oh, and also, there was that one time that he accidentally slept with the aforementioned best friend after she cast an evil spell to make him think that she was actually his boring girlfriend and then she got knocked up and had his baby and then he skipped town on her and their child, because I guess he turned out to be an asshole in the end. Although, before he did that, he did render said best friend/mother of his child infertile because he rammed a metal rod through her uterus. In his defense, she was a rabid dog at that time. Okay, I guess he wasn't all that boring. Wisteria Lane has a long way to go to impress Miguel, I suspect. Anyhoo, all of Poor Dead Mary Alice's friends found a letter addressed to her, hidden amongst her things, which read: "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell." Mystery! Scandal! Pearl necklaces! (Not like that. Don't be dirty.)

We open, as per usual, I suspect, with Mary Alice's Voice Over. (MAVO, if you will.) "An odd thing happens when we die," she says. "Our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell, and sound become a distant memory. But our sight? Ah, our sight expands. And we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course, most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living…if they only take the time to look. Like my friend Gabrielle."

Let's check on Gabrielle, shall we? She's submerged in water, her eyes squeezed shut. Somehow I doubt she's dead. Two deaths in two episodes is too much excitement for ABC. "I should have seen how unhappy she was, but I didn't," MAVO explains. Well, Mare -- can I call you Mare? -- you were pretty busy being blackmailed for Whatever It Is That You Did, Which We Totally Won't Find Out Until Like February Sweeps At the Earliest.

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Desperate Housewives

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