In the first hour of the two-hour finale, resolutions are made to several dangling plot threads, most excitingly in the Paul/Felicia/Susan storyline that's been the most consistently enjoyable thread throughout the season. Mike helps Paul understand that it's been Felicia poisoning him the whole time, and like magic Paul's able to get Susan out of jail. Felicia disappears, and Susan and Paul have another of their heartwarming moments, and everything's fine...

Except of course, Felicia's been in town the whole time, waiting to get her revenge. Susan walks in on Paul, tied up with an antifreeze IV, and once the fighting's all over Felicia's once again run away with Beth's ashes, leaving a repentant Paul to finally confess for his Season One murder of Felicia's sister. Which is not the resolution Susan, or your recapper, would have been happiest with. Of course, the fact that Beth's ashes immediately tip over in Felicia's getaway car, blinding her just long enough to swerve into the path of an eighteen-wheeler, provides enough of a relief that we'll let it slide.

Otherwise, you've got the Scavos at a B&B "working" on their "marriage" and horrifying a cute young couple with the depths of their misery. Tom eventually produces their original modest engagement ring, which he's had set with the tackiest of gigantic Danielle Steele diamonds, which causes Lynette to freak out more on him. By the halfway point of the two-hour event, the Scavo divorce slash murder-suicide is looking more likely than ever.

Gay Lee convinces Bree that Dreamy Detective Chuck Vance is secretly gay, and it's offensive but not really that offensive. Turns out that he was really close with his partner, who was in turn really close with Chuck Vance's wife, if you know what I'm saying, and his success in their divorce is contingent on not sleeping around, or something. Fairview legal matters are not something I'm qualified to speak about. Anyway, he's not gay, and finally ends up heavy-petting Bree in a cop car just to prove it. For this show, it's a relatively tolerant little plot that only contains about fifty anachronistically horrible jabs. So that's a comparatively good score.

And finally, Gabi manages to catch a glimpse of Juanita's boogeyman and, as presumed, it's her stepfather we were told was dead. While originally skittish about getting a gun, once she realizes who she's dealing with Gabi strides to the head of the gun safety class, although given this show, it's most likely she'll end up shooting Paul Young, which is generally what happens when anything happens.

An exciting little hour, all told, with lots of room left for the final episode of the season to bring up new mysteries and show us where it's all heading, now that this show's been renewed, over Brothers & Sisters and about ten other ABC shows written for -- and by -- human beings, rather than intolerant, drug-addicted macaws. Oh, NBC. Get your shit together already. This kind of filth is why you exist.