BREE TICKETS TO THE GUN SHOW
Bree: "Your husband said we can't be doing it anymore."
Gabi: "I'm not here to pretend we're best friends, I'm here for a gun."
Bree: "Um, that sounds like a bad idea of Real Housewives proportions."
Gabi: "Juanita's Lurking Sombrero is real. I saw him."
Bree: "Did you call the police?"
Gabi: "No, and I shan't be doing so. For no reason other than the very end of this two-part season finale, where I won't be able to show due diligence and thus all four of us enter a conspiracy of blood."
Bree: "No gun for you. But let me set you up with a gun class so you can be a licensed and responsible gun owner, like we're pretending gun owners always are."
Gabi, verbatim: "Great, so in the meantime if skulking guy breaks into my house, I'm just gonna yell, Freeze! I'm taking a class!"
(Even if they used Renee properly -- which in these two episodes they basically do -- Eva Longoria and Gabrielle would still be the best part of this show, on every level.)
THE HOUSE OF SAND & FOG & ASHES & FINGERS & ANTIFREEZE
Officer Mister: "Felicia, what is your crazy ass up to?"
Felicia, and I'm not kidding, it's amazing: "I am painting my remaining fingernails."
Officer Mister: "Can we ask you some questions about how you keep poisoning people all the time?"
Cut To: (Just like a spinning chair and a zooming sound and some papers see-sawing down out of the air, in the wake of her vanishing.)
BLED & BROKEFAST
Lynette: "Turns out a B&B is just a place to slowly die in the arms of someone you hate."
Tom: "Great idea, asshole."
Lovely B&B Couple: "Isn't romance delightful?"
ibid., moments later: "[Gurgling, bleeding.]"
PAUL'S HOUSE OR I GUESS WHOEVER'S HOUSE
Paul: "OMG, Mike! I haven't seen you since we put our son in rehab. How have you been? Just kidding, get the fuck off my porch."
Mike: "I know I only get a couple of lines an episode, so I'm going to make them count."
ibid., rapidly: Explains the entire storyline in clear, concise language.
Paul: "Wait, and hired you to kill me? How did that go?"
Mike: "Clearly, I did not kill you."
Paul: "Thanks. I wish we could just hang out on this porch forever talking like this. We are really very interesting chaps when you think of it."
Mike: "Well, you certainly make my wife bearable. Something I have never ever pulled off."