Bree: "Dinner was great. Do you like apples?"
Detective Chuck Vance: "Sure, I like apples."
Bree: "Let's go fuck at my place. How d'you like them apples?"
Detective Chuck Vance: "Those are some uncomfortable apples. Plus we talked about this. How about we hit some neutral ground? I know a fabulous [sic] place..."
Bree: "Fabulous, you say."
Detective Chuck Vance: "Walked right into that one."
Bree: "Let's go to a gay bar."
I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO PUT IN YOU
Detective Chuck Vance: "Why are we at a gay bar?"
Bree: "I'm outing you."
Bar Full Of Stereotypical/Minority Twink Meat: "Hola, Papi!"
Detective Chuck Vance: "I'm afraid there has been a terrible mixup."
Bree, verbatim: "It's okay. My son is gay. I have lots of gay friends. I love the gays!"
Anybody who in 2011 says they Love The Gays: Is selling you something.
The Deal: Chuck & Pete were like brothers but then they went camping and it turned out that Pete was sleeping with Chuck's gross wife Doreen so then they broke up and came home and Chuck broke up with Doreen and filed for divorce so the real reason he can't sleep with Bree is that she'll use it against him in the divorce. Because marriage is a holy sacrament between one man and one woman. Except when it's not.
GROCERY STORE OF DOOM
Gabrielle, buying food she will never cook, is haunted by a Sombrero. She runs all through the store like a crazy person and eventually ends up in the security office, where it's kind of awesome:
Security Dude: "You say someone took your pocketbook, but isn't that your pocketbook?"
Gabi: "This is my purse. Men."
Security Dude: "Sorry. I do the same thing to my wife. I say 'nice shirt,' she says 'it's a blouse'; I say, 'I like your trousers,' she says..."
Gabi: "OMG! Enhance image!"
Security Dude: "Sure, because I can do that."
It is her dead stepfather Alejandro, clearly, and he is not dead, clearly. She heads immediately to gun class and graduates with one hundred A plusses in murdering.
BARFBAG & BROKEBACK HIT THE SKIDS
Lynette: "I am a grasping harpy!"
Tom: "I am a childish, broken idiot!"
Lovely B&B Couple: Spinning chairs, zooming sound, papers floating slowly down.
Lynette & Tom: "But Lovely Couple! Come spend some time with us! We're so much fucking fun to be around!"