In the first hour of the two-hour finale, resolutions are made to several dangling plot threads, most excitingly in the Paul/Felicia/Susan storyline that's been the most consistently enjoyable thread throughout the season. Mike helps Paul understand that it's been Felicia poisoning him the whole time, and like magic Paul's able to get Susan out of jail. Felicia disappears, and Susan and Paul have another of their heartwarming moments, and everything's fine...
Except of course, Felicia's been in town the whole time, waiting to get her revenge. Susan walks in on Paul, tied up with an antifreeze IV, and once the fighting's all over Felicia's once again run away with Beth's ashes, leaving a repentant Paul to finally confess for his Season One murder of Felicia's sister. Which is not the resolution Susan, or your recapper, would have been happiest with. Of course, the fact that Beth's ashes immediately tip over in Felicia's getaway car, blinding her just long enough to swerve into the path of an eighteen-wheeler, provides enough of a relief that we'll let it slide.
Otherwise, you've got the Scavos at a B&B "working" on their "marriage" and horrifying a cute young couple with the depths of their misery. Tom eventually produces their original modest engagement ring, which he's had set with the tackiest of gigantic Danielle Steele diamonds, which causes Lynette to freak out more on him. By the halfway point of the two-hour event, the Scavo divorce slash murder-suicide is looking more likely than ever.
Gay Lee convinces Bree that Dreamy Detective Chuck Vance is secretly gay, and it's offensive but not really that offensive. Turns out that he was really close with his partner, who was in turn really close with Chuck Vance's wife, if you know what I'm saying, and his success in their divorce is contingent on not sleeping around, or something. Fairview legal matters are not something I'm qualified to speak about. Anyway, he's not gay, and finally ends up heavy-petting Bree in a cop car just to prove it. For this show, it's a relatively tolerant little plot that only contains about fifty anachronistically horrible jabs. So that's a comparatively good score.
And finally, Gabi manages to catch a glimpse of Juanita's boogeyman and, as presumed, it's her stepfather we were told was dead. While originally skittish about getting a gun, once she realizes who she's dealing with Gabi strides to the head of the gun safety class, although given this show, it's most likely she'll end up shooting Paul Young, which is generally what happens when anything happens.
An exciting little hour, all told, with lots of room left for the final episode of the season to bring up new mysteries and show us where it's all heading, now that this show's been renewed, over Brothers & Sisters and about ten other ABC shows written for -- and by -- human beings, rather than intolerant, drug-addicted macaws. Oh, NBC. Get your shit together already. This kind of filth is why you exist.
It is creepy to be on Susan's side, especially for this long of a stretch, but maybe that was the point of this little exercise in kidney deformation. Nonetheless, as Mary Alice was saying the following, in her smug way, I felt myself getting a little offended. (This feeling will quickly go away, I just thought it was worth noting.)
Mary Alice: "Susan Delfino had always played by the rules. She obeyed every label [hackneyed joke about not cutting off cushion tags that still manages to land because of her hilarious expression and the generalized cartooniness], she performed her civic duty [some kind of grownup activity I didn't quite understand], she respected all legal boundaries [Please Do Not Walk On Grass]. So when she was questioned about the poisoning of Paul Young... Susan was more than a little upset."
Susan: "Why should I tell my investigating officer something secret like my name or age? I'd better lie about my age. That's what stupid women do, in this parallel universe."
Dude: "Right, Susan Delfino. I have a post-it on this file that says you'll act like a goon this whole time."
They discuss, circuitously, in a way that both exposits and makes fun of that exposition, what has brought us here: She was accidentally poisoning Paul Young and then the PTA, and at some point yes -- I wasn't sure about this -- realized it was Felicia doing it.
Dude: "But you totally hate Paul Young."
Susan: "No. Not hating Paul Young is the finest thing anyone on this show has ever done. Especially me. Apparently not being a selfish monster comes with Beth's kidney. I wish everybody could have some of her kidney and then this show wouldn't be so gross."
Mary Alice: "...And so, she must be punished. Harshly."
SCAVO CHARNEL HOUSE
Lynette: "God, I hate you."
Tom: "I hate you too. Just... So very much."
Lynette: "Let's go lock ourselves in a quaint B&B until we end up murdering each other."
Tom: "I can only hope a fresh-faced young couple will be there and we can ruin their marriage too."
Lynette: "That is exactly what this show would do."
CHUCK VANCE / BREE-FRIGERATION
Dreamy Detective Chuck Vance: "I have to leave now that you've cooked me dinner, because I can't do any adultering."
Bree: "As a Christian, I don't see why cheating on your wife would be a problem."
Detective Chuck Vance: "What an amusing reversal of expectations and/or total hypocrisy on your part. Luckily, there's more to the story -- as we'll learn -- so your gross lack of respect for the sacrament of matrimony will actually be validated."
Bree: "That's the funny thing about the horrific abortion that is my religious life. It's always validated by the even more fucked-up morals of this show."Belabored but cutely rendered boner joke.