SUSAN VS. THE CONCEPT OF LAW ENFORCEMENT
Susan: "All I did was poison a dude until he shit out his heart on my kitchen floor, and then try to kill a room full of rich bitches who have tortured me all season, and then they found a bunch of syringes and antifreeze in my house, and then I confessed to poisoning everybody. Why are you on my case?"
Mike: "See, but this is how cops work. This is literally all cops are about."
Susan: "Not hearing you."
The Okay Gay One: "What you really need to do is prove that Tillman's framing you."
Susan, verbatim: "The woman hacked off two of her fingers to frame someone else. She's a framer."
Bob: "You're still not getting how this works."
Mike: "What if she called me from jail and offered me ten grand to murder him?"
Susan: "You never told me that!"
Mike: "Time and place, Susan. Time and place please."
Susan: "I am going to be so weird about this later."
Mike: "Obviously. In the meantime, yes, I thought about it. Firstly we were so poor that you became a pornographer and brought shame to our whole family, and secondly, it's Paul Young. Killing him is like my only hobby, I do it ten times every season."
SOLIPSISTIC SOLIS SOLECISMS
Gabrielle: "Your dad, he wants to talk to you."
Juanita: "Too busy 'playing on the computer,' as the old people that write this show would call it. I ain't talking to him."
Gabrielle: "Irregardless, here's the phone and now go take a bath."
Juanita: "Between you and I, Daddy, Mommy's going bonkers."
Gabrielle: "Whom is that man in our yard wearing the sombrero?"
(There's a part where both Juanita and Gabi get off the phone with a "Buy me something!" signoff, but honestly that is so gross on so many levels that we won't be talking about it.)
BREE TICKETS TO THE GUN SHOW
Bree: "Your husband said we can't be doing it anymore."
Gabi: "I'm not here to pretend we're best friends, I'm here for a gun."
Bree: "Um, that sounds like a bad idea of Real Housewives proportions."
Gabi: "Juanita's Lurking Sombrero is real. I saw him."
Bree: "Did you call the police?"
Gabi: "No, and I shan't be doing so. For no reason other than the very end of this two-part season finale, where I won't be able to show due diligence and thus all four of us enter a conspiracy of blood."