Desperate Housewives
And Lots Of Security…

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A Visit From The Goon Hand

Bree: "No gun for you. But let me set you up with a gun class so you can be a licensed and responsible gun owner, like we're pretending gun owners always are."
Gabi, verbatim: "Great, so in the meantime if skulking guy breaks into my house, I'm just gonna yell, Freeze! I'm taking a class!"

(Even if they used Renee properly -- which in these two episodes they basically do -- Eva Longoria and Gabrielle would still be the best part of this show, on every level.)

THE HOUSE OF SAND & FOG & ASHES & FINGERS & ANTIFREEZE

Officer Mister: "Felicia, what is your crazy ass up to?"
Felicia, and I'm not kidding, it's amazing: "I am painting my remaining fingernails."
Officer Mister: "Can we ask you some questions about how you keep poisoning people all the time?"
Cut To: (Just like a spinning chair and a zooming sound and some papers see-sawing down out of the air, in the wake of her vanishing.)

BLED & BROKEFAST

Lynette: "Turns out a B&B is just a place to slowly die in the arms of someone you hate."
Tom: "Great idea, asshole."

Lovely B&B Couple: "Isn't romance delightful?"
ibid., moments later: "[Gurgling, bleeding.]"

PAUL'S HOUSE OR I GUESS WHOEVER'S HOUSE

Paul: "OMG, Mike! I haven't seen you since we put our son in rehab. How have you been? Just kidding, get the fuck off my porch."
Mike: "I know I only get a couple of lines an episode, so I'm going to make them count."
ibid., rapidly: Explains the entire storyline in clear, concise language.
Paul: "Wait, and hired you to kill me? How did that go?"
Mike: "Clearly, I did not kill you."
Paul: "Thanks. I wish we could just hang out on this porch forever talking like this. We are really very interesting chaps when you think of it."
Mike: "Well, you certainly make my wife bearable. Something I have never ever pulled off."

FELICIA'S HOUSE OR I GUESS WHOEVER'S HOUSE, LIKE ANYBODY CARES

Paul & Mike: "The flaming skidmarks left in the driveway would suggest that Felicia left here with a quickness. Perhaps it was to go to the cops, but I doubt it."
Mike: Is like the one person I don't feel the need to impute having a pretend sexual encounter with Paul. It would just make me kind of sad to think about that.

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Desperate Housewives

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