Desperate Housewives
And Lots Of Security…

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
A Visit From The Goon Hand

Random: "Hi, stranger. Would you be interested in some information about one of the detectives here at the precinct?"
Bree: "I need to know if Detective Chuck Vance is gay."
Random: "I can't tell you that. But I can tell you a bunch of vague shit that makes it seem like he is."
Bree: "Hmm. Do go on."
In Brief: Chuck and his old partner Pete went on a camping trip, and when they came back from that camping trip they couldn't look each other in the eye.

Now, if you've ever seen this show, you know "camping trip" is code for "gay sex, just kidding." Pretty much all comedy relies on this tension/release tactic, so it's nothing new, but it's especially characteristic of this show that you knew "gay/just kidding" would be the punchline even before they mentioned the camping trip -- since nothing is scarier than Gay, and therefore nothing is funnier than Just Kidding -- so this just confirms it.


Lee: "See? They're gay."

He describes a fairly gross gay-seduction Flipper Scenario with his hands down his pants, like gay folks often do with their friends.

(Actually no, to be fair, it is incredibly hilarious -- but only because of Kevin Rahm's nuanced and brilliant delivery. I like that guy so much, I really do. I like both of them. Just wish the show did.)

Bree: "Then I'll just have to fuck him."
Lee: "Like you were already trying to do? Remember how you're not the problem here?"
Bree: "No, any ounce of class regarding his marriage or my own values is out the window. Somebody has to save him, and it's going to be me. I will no longer pretend to have any respect for the vows he took."
Lee: "But how does that... Oh, whatever. I'm barely a person anyway."

(He leaves -- and I'm not making this part up -- with a photo of Chuck & Pete so that he can masturbate himself to orgasm while looking at it. This goddamn show.)


Instructor: "[Boilerplate safety lesson.]"
Gabi: "[Wiseacre remark.]"
Instructor: "...[Boilerplate safety lesson.]"
Gabi: "[Wiseacre remark. Quickly losing popularity with fellow students.]"

Instructor: "You're here for protection? Got a Sombrero Lurker?"
Gabi: "Yeah."
Instructor: "Are you capable of pulling the trigger and shooting a person?"
Gabi: "Yes. Wait, I mean no."
Instructor: "The Second Amendment not only guarantees the right of citizens to carry guns [psst, it doesn't] but also means that you must shoot people whenever possible [psst, not really]. Get out of my class."

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Desperate Housewives




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