Casa Unfaithful. Mama Solis reads Madame Bovary and watches Miguel mow the lawn shirtless. He is shirtless, I mean. Mama Solis is fully clothed. My goodness, it seems that Wisteria Lane is under the same strange weather patterns as Capeside was, because I live in Southern California and it sure is chilly here. So it's probably chilly everywhere. Stupid Gabrielle stands on her balcony and calls Miguel on his cell phone. She so wants to get caught, even though she tells him not to turn around. She wants to meet him at the motel in an hour, but he explains that he already has plans with fellow Abstinence Club member Danielle Van de Kamp. They plan to sit around and not touch each other and talk about Jesus. "That sounds like a date," Gabrielle hisses. She has a real problem with him seeing other girls. Miguel rightly points out that he's got a problem with her, I don't know, being married. He turns and looks up at her standing on the balcony. Why don't they just do it right on the kitchen table while Mama Solis is eating her breakfast? "I guess we'll both have to learn to deal," Miguel snarks, and hangs up on her. Gabrielle petulantly tosses her cell phone on her bed and stomps off to take a bath. Mama Solis, no dummy she, scampers upstairs and snags the phone. She calls Miguel, who sees "Mrs. Solis" on the Caller ID and snaps, "Don't even try to make it up to me by talking dirty." Mama Solis looks pleased with herself and puts the phone back on the bed. Gabrielle, you are an idiot.
High School of the Damned. Principal's office. KimberBree sits there and reads Madame Bovary, while Rex looks miserable. Principal Flutie explains that Andrew shoved a freshman's head into a locker and broke the kid's nose. (And yes, I know it's not literally Principal Flutie, but as far as I'm concerned, until the principal has a name, the principal is a Flutie.) They're thinking expulsion. Rex thinks that's a bit too harsh for "a little roughhousing." KimberBree corrects him that it was "practically assault." Rex yelps that Andrew is just acting out in reaction to his parents' "severe marital problems." KimberBree tosses him a dirty look. "If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, perhaps he should shove your head into a locker," she snaps. The Van de Kamps bicker about how much of this is Andrew's fault and how much of it is theirs until Rex bursts out that he's seen a lawyer, and that KimberBree is being served with divorce papers today. KimberBree is stunned: "You went to an attorney?" "And a good one, too," Rex brats. I want to smash him. "Well, he had better be good," KimberBree hisses, "because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name." Rex, pathetically, responds, "Bring it on." Oh, Rex. You're not one third of the man Dr. Michael Mancini was, and she almost killed him multiple times. I certainly hope your burial plot is all bought and paid for. The principal cheerfully chirps that she thinks detention will totally be fine.