Saddle Ranch. Susan is sad and bruised. "Everyone is looking at me, aren't they?" she asks. "Just the slapstick fans," Mike says. Susan moans: "Why couldn't I have been knocked unconscious?" Kendra brings them all beers, and we have to go through all the intros again. Mike tells Susan that he and Kendra have been friends for years: "She's here on a visit. She's leaving tomorrow. That's it." Kendra swears she has no designs on Mike whatsoever. He leaves, to...I don't know. Advance the plot, I guess. Kendra and Susan apologize to each other. "How long have you two been seeing each other?" Kendra asks. Susan admits that Kendra interrupted their first date. People, I have had more meaningful and serious relationships with celebrity crushes than Susan has had with Mike. Me and Ralph Fiennes? Way hotter. Susan: "Up until then, smoking-hot tension. Sounds pathetic, I know." Oh, Susan. You mean well. But you do need to get out more. Kendra tells her that she thinks it's good to "take it slow." They stare at each other. "You'd be smart to be careful," she adds. "Look, Mike's a wonderful guy, really. But you should ask him why he moved to Wisteria Lane. It's one hell of a story." There is so much staring at the table.
Meanwhile, Shaft enters the bar and heads over to Edie. "Good evening," he says. She invites him to take a seat.
Casa Unfaithful. Miguel and Gabrielle have apparently literally just finished with the sex, despite the fact that Gabrielle is still in her panties, bra, and robe. I'm not a pro or anything, but I think they might be doing it wrong. Miguel sighs that he could get used to this "whole closure thing," and they start going at it again
Outside, Mama Solis pulls up in a cab and tells the driver to wait around the corner. She sneaks into the house and, of course, catches them in flagrante and snaps a photo. Miguel leaps up and chases after her, but Gabrielle calmly accepts her fate. "Well, that's it, then," she says, taking a huge Louis Vuitton bag out of her closet and throwing things into it like a robot.
Miguel chases Mama Solis down the stairs, spewing brilliant lines like, "I'm not kidding, old woman." They tussle, but Mama Solis has clearly taken self-defense at the senior center and she gets the best of the boy. She runs out of the house and into the street...where Andrew Van de Kamp promptly mows her down and flees the scene of the crime.
Gabrielle hears the crash and comes racing out of the house. She tells Miguel to go home immediately: "I'll take care of this. You were never here." So many of these people's plots rely completely on the assumption that none of their neighbors ever look out the window when they hear a ruckus, which I think is a misstep. Personally, I am spying on my neighbors all the time. Just as Miguel goes, the taxi driver comes around the corner. Gabrielle tells him to call 911. She kneels by her nemesis and thinks and thinks and finally takes the camera and hides it in her pocket.