Back to the book club, where it becomes abundantly clear that none of our ladies has had time to read the book, what with all the gardener-loving and drug-taking they've been up to. Lynette walks the baby -- who is, apparently, not dead, thank goodness -- around KimberBree's dining-room table and calls Madame Bovary "inspirational," and there are all these raised brows from the other ladies and some blah blah about how the women haven't done their homework, and let me just say right now that I can't imagine there is any way KimberBree wouldn't have finished her book-club book.
Speaking of KimberBree, she quickly invents some excuse to lure the non-Coffee Klatchers into the kitchen. She locks the day players in, and then turns and tells the people in the credits that she couldn't wait to get rid of those other bitches! Sweetpea, they're just behind your French doors. I think they can probably still hear you. Also, way not to raise suspicion. KimberBree, Lynette, and Gabrielle then get the download from Susan on how Troubled Young Zack is all locked up at the Sunny Pastures Home For Kids Who Know Too Much. Please. I am so sure. I can suspend my disbelief long enough to believe that Gabrielle could be a runway model despite being barely taller than a fifth-grader, but I cannot believe Susan didn't call or instant message or race over to tell everyone this news the very instant she got back from Stormy Clouds Center For Children You Want to Shut Up. Especially since all of them are at home all damn week long.
Anyway. Susan reiterates the whole Dana thing. "I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide," Susan finishes. Wow. That is some real fine detecting, Miz Fletcher. Why don't you and Amos come down to my place for chowder next week and tell me how you figured that out, because I thought Zack was talking about Special Agent Dana Scully, and how her character was assassinated in the last two seasons of The X-Files. ("Can we please not talk about that?" implores the Agent Scully Action Figure). "So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret...." Lynette says. "And sent the note!" KimberBree says, like this is the secret to cold fusion. Did I suffer a massive brain injury, or didn't we already know that someone figured out Mary Alice's secret -- or she thought they did -- and sent The Note? Didn't we learn that in the pilot? Since The Note said, "I know what you did," and all? Please tell me it didn't take you THIS LONG to figure out that "I know what you did" equals "I know your secret"? (Although, of course, I think The Note is going to end up to have nothing to do with Mary Alice's big fat juicy never-to-be- revealed-until-sweeps secret, but she obviously THOUGHT it did, so that's really the salient point here.) And I thought daytime soaps were bad, with all the "I can't believe my secret love Whitney is pregnant with my half-brother Chad's child, despite the fact that Whitney, my secret love, and Chad, my half-brother, are also half-brother and sister, because my father, Julian Crane, and Whitney's mother, Dr. Eve Russell, were lovers once"- type exposition. "So who the hell is that?" Gabrielle asks. Gabrielle, where have you been? WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND THAT OUT FOR TWO MONTHS! TWO WHOLE MONTHS! THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL ALL BEEN DOING THIS ENTIRE TIME! Jesus. The Bobbsey Twins worked faster than this, and they were in elementary school and thus had to put the detecting on hold for things like spelling bees. This scene has got to be for the purposes of exposition intended for people who are just tuning in, but it serves mostly to make the Foursome look like mental midgets.