Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Putting The "Ass"es in "Assassins"

Wisteria still looks like hell after that desultory riot that occurred at the apex of Paul Young's bizarre plan. To review: He bought several houses -- and a mail-order bride ino the bargain -- to get just-under a majority of HOA votes, which tore the neighborhood apart, and then led in turn to his storied establishment of a halfway house for discharged criminals on the Lane. Somehow, there was a riot, and he was shot, but we still have no idea how any of this happened or why: His plan will never make sense. Fetch will never happen. Stop asking, stop thinking, stop worrying about it, Jacob.

And if the plan was the riot and/or proving the moral lack of fiber in the people of Wisteria Lane, it still doesn't make sense: The riot happened because Lynette and Bree are assholes, because neighboring Hydrangea Circle is a militia of gay pinkertons, because those who do not remember Altamont are doomed to repeat it. Paul had little to do with any of this, as it turned out. Still: Shot.

But not dead! Thank goodness. He's the one good thing about this show, until Renee finally does something cool. Or Gabby finally just loses her shit and gives sway to her inner Lohan. Or Tom is murdered. Or Susan finally manages to burn down all of Fairview, or sell MJ for magic beans.

Some very replaceable Rosenkrantzy detective go around asking everybody who shot Paul, and because Wisteria Lane is 100% jerks, they all say they didn't shoot him but they're glad he was shot. Lee, Lynette and Bree ("Detectives, I'm an expert marksman. If I'd been aiming for Paul Young he'd be dead") all say horrible things, but Beth slips through and heads straight to jail to yell at her mom for shooting Paul somehow.

(N.B. As I write, down the street there is, in fact, a riot. What apparently began as a disagreement between three interlocuters, two male one female, has erupted into possibly gunplay. It echoes off the gentrification quite loudly, and seems to be coming from the intersection of 12th Street and Chicon -- long known as a base for the hardiest of our town's extralegal entrepreneurs, come rain or shine -- but I shan't do anything about it, least of all contacting the burly bears of my own acquaintance to keep the peace. For, unlike the ladies of Wisteria Lane, I have learnt my lesson.)

Felicia can't keep the glee off her face when she hears the news, but swears to her daughter she had nothing to do with it. They've done a good job of setting up Beth to be totally into Paul, like who wouldn't be, so that when he finds out about her mom she'll go from being creepy and untrustworthy to being creepy and somewhat sympathetic. Anyway, we don't trust Felicia when she says this, Beth doesn't trust her for sure, and the second Beth leaves she hits up her hack with a request for a "clean cell phone" so she can call the likely assassin and congratulate him on a job well done -- although, as she admits to both the man and her daughter, it would have made more sense to have him killed after proving that he killed Martha Huber, considering she's spent seven seasons trying to do just that. As if somebody's bizarrely epic plan on this show would ever turn out to have giant plot holes.

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Desperate Housewives

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