Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Putting The "Ass"es in "Assassins"

But to whom is she speaking? Mike Delfino, who's back in town and who is noncommittal about whether he killed Paul, just to keep us watching. (Hint: He doesn't do anything cool. He married his wife and went to Alaska and then came back. Three mistakes right there.)

What's going on in the wake of the lame riot is: Whatever was going on before the lame riot. Gabrielle is still trying to convince herself and her daughter that she cares about her in any way. Keith and Bree are moving in together, as though there has been one single episode where he hasn't pissed his pants and dumped her so far. Lynette is still pretending Renee is a person and that they have a job and that she has a nanny...

And Susan is being a goddamned idiot. She yells at the doctor for taking out her ruptured kidney, as though he did it just to make her day worse, and then refuses to go on dialysis when she learns that her other kidney is "deformed" and only operating at about 5%. Which still makes it a shitload more efficient than her deformed brain, which works at a negative capacity, such that people who come close to it become stupider, as we'll see in a moment. Anyway, she doesn't have any reasons for anything she says or does, so eventually the doctor throws his hands in the air and leaves her to it.

Gabrielle and Juanita are welcomed to "Miss Charlotte's Doll Academy," which is run by an actress I like and seems to be -- correct me, I'm not a mom, and if I were I wouldn't let my kids near this bullshit -- a mix between American Girl and Xavier Roberts, in that you "adopt" rather than "purchase" your Gender-Enslavement Indoctrination Devices. ("Are you ready to be a mommy?" the lady asks, and Juanita tells her to suck a duck.) There's some pretty awesome back-and-forth dialogue in this scene, as when the Glinda Good Witch lady is like, "Oh, we don't 'sell' dolls here," and Gabby smirks, "This place got creepy fast."

Anyway, they tempt poor Juanita with "Lady Catherine" from "the Royal Cabinet," and J-Dawg falls in love immediately, and just when Gabby thinks she's finally bought her daughter's love again, she pulls out the camera phone to snap a picture of the "two princesses" and ends up falling into a fugue over one of the pictures of Grace she's got on her phone. She whispers to the phone and caresses it and generally Gollums out until Juanita's like, "Once again: Fuck you." All I can think of with this storyline is in Blubber, how the mom wouldn't ever let the fat daughter ride in the Miata because it was a two-seater. This story would almost make more sense if Gabby actually had ended up keeping Grace, because then at least it would be recognizable as the child abuse it actually is.

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Desperate Housewives




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