Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Putting The "Ass"es in "Assassins"

Some lady introduces herself to Gabby at Juanita's birthday party but once she finds out the lady is the mother of a friend of Juanita, she loses interest. After meeting Celia, she asks if they have more kids and of course Gabby stares into space morosely and says no, because Carlos told her never to say Grace's name again. And behind her is a bouquet of balloons, as though the show is taunting us with the fact that this storyline already happened and Machete came and made her let that balloon float up into the sky like a flying miscarried fetus.

Lynette stares into space also, making a witches' brew to welcome Tom home from what he calls "the worst day ever." She's totally passive-aggressive and scary and stone-faced and horrible throughout the entire scene -- which honestly, imagine listening to Tom Scavo whining at you every single night for the twenty-sixth year in a row -- and then, after a little bit of the creepy old standby "Don't you think Renee is an amazing woman?", hands him some hot chocolate that burns the shit out of his tongue. Too bad you're such a grownup, Lynette. I can see the challenges this relationship must present.

Speaking of adults -- and this was one of the best episodes in a while up to this point; I started thinking maybe this show isn't as stupid and insulting as I thought it was last fall, maybe I was just in a bad mood -- Orson and Keith get into a big fight about how Keith isn't dressed for Special Orson Dinner and how Orson likes coq au vin vs. Kieths' beloved sloppy joes, okay, and finally they throw food at each other, and it's just embarrassing for all of us. Bree flees to Judy's house to see about stowing Orson and his wheelchair there, but Judy drops the bomb that he was the one who left her, because of course he's still in love with Bree. I remember when that idea -- that anyone could be in love with Bree -- didn't seem so laughable and ghoulish.

Let's take a break from that bullshit and check in with Gabby. How you doing, Gabs? Oh, back at the doll store again, "adopting" another little princess for your daughter? Getting back to normal? Nope, no I see now, by the doll in your arms, and the creepy fucking smile on your face, and the way that you are licking the doll's porcelain face, and the fact that the face looks exactly like Grace's face, and the spooooky way you tell the doll lady that the doll is for you, by these signs and others I deduce that "normal" is not where we are headed.

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Desperate Housewives




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