Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Evany: A | 4 USERS: A+

Later. Everyone is still gathered around the television, watching the news. A grim melancholy has fallen over the crowd, and the glimmer of excitement that comes when bad news happens to other people has completely died away. Orson notices that Bree's not among the crowd and he finds her in the kitchen. He tenderly asks how she's doing, and Bree, who's determinedly slicing bread, dryly says: "I'm running out of food, and it's not as if I can go to the grocery store." She babbles that the loaf is stale so she's going to make bruschetta, and then perhaps she'll defrost some shrimp and make her rice thing. A Bree Van de Hodge Cooking In A Crisis cookbook, perhaps? Bree, near tears, confesses how worried she is about Julie and Lynette, and how guilty she feels for lashing out at Jackie and putting this whole grisly bus into motion. But hey, look at Orson: he's the one who started the Monique leak in the first place, and he doesn't seem even vaguely gutted. But he does seem to care very much for Bree: He asks her what he can do to help, and she bitterly, tearfully asks him to "peel a clove of garlic." And that's exactly what he does.

Hostage Ho-down: Hour Three. Jackie is gorging herself on cookies and slugging back Chardonnay. She tells everyone how badly she wanted kids, but Harve(Gar)y had two kids via his first wife and he just didn't like how it made his ex get fat. So Jackie's remained childless, and dieted and exercised frantically, throughout their entire marriage. Jackie over-shares that she runs four miles a day, and that this is her first cookie in six years. Harve(Gar)y is a monster. Seriously, six-plus years of no-cookie-dom? Forget the cheating -- that's grounds for climbing a clock tower in and of itself. Over the phone, the police advise Harve(Gar)y to tell Jackie he's sorry, and then get her to release the old folks and kids. So Harve(Gar)y gets on the store's PA and baby talks about how much he loves Jackie. Unfortunately, while he's trying to sooth Jackie, Edie pipes in, reminding him to ask about letting the kids go. Jackie loses it, screaming about how Harve(Gar)y has another one of his whores in there with him. She checks her gun, and reports that she's got enough bullets left for both him and his whore. Edie: "Oh, fantastic."

Let's pause, shall we, for a bullet count. According to the word on the boards, the gun Jackie is carrying is a Smith & Wesson or a Taurus, and apparently all of those brands' "hammerless revolvers" are "five shots." So we've got the two potshots that Jackie took at Harve(Gar)y, plus the bullet for the checkout guy who made that mad dash. So: Jackie's right, she's got two bullets left, one for Harve(Gar)y, and one for his "whore," Edie. And of course, Edie's still wearing those jogging short-short shorts, which are almost anatomically tight. If Jackie ever gets a look at Edie in that getup, it's all over.

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Desperate Housewives




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