Desperate Housewives
Bang

Episode Report Card
Evany: A | 4 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Bang

Oh. Right. Gabby and Carlos. Bleh. Gabby is still in her lame shirt, only now she's covered in demolition grit and spite dust. She's sitting out in Bree's yard, looking soulful and introspective. Carlos comes out, and Gabby sadly reports that she totally relates to the "crazy woman" down at the Market. "I don't know what I'm capable of anymore. This divorce has turned me into this bitter, hateful person," Gabby says, all weepy, "and I don't like her. And for what it's worth, I don't like what it's done to you either." Carlos totally agrees. They vow to "stop being those people," and they hug. So does this mean they're back together? Just friends? Whatever. My ability to care about this marriage evaporated back when Gabby took a pass on Carlos's waffles.

Back at the parking lot. Tom and Susan, who are both worried out of their minds (and looking pre-etty haggard, I might add; Tom in particular looks like a wrinkly old apple doll), take turns comforting each other. Tom tells Susan he heard a rumor that Jackie is a Sunday school teacher, which means that she'd never kill Julie because she's a kid. Is Julie even young enough to fall into "kid" category? Susan returns the favor by telling Tom how sure she is that Lynette is going to be okay. Tom, laughing hugely: "Oh! I'm not worried about Lynette." Sure, Tom, Sure. "With Lynette in there, they don't even need that negotiator. You put Lynette in a room with a woman who wants to shoot her husband, she'll have them renewing their vows." Actually, if I were to take a poll of the person people think is the most likely to get his or herself killed on this show, I'd bet that Lynette would be in the top three, purely due to her irritating meddling. Sorry, Tommy. After a few minutes of puffed-up cheer, Tom deflates. With guilty horror and a torn voice, he confesses: "She was going to go to the store tomorrow, but we were out of hamburgers. And I wanted hamburgers." Hey, I have a question. Where's Karl? Isn't that his daughter inside there, too? Where's Karl, and where's Kayla?

Oh boy, here it comes. Okay, deep breaths, everybody.

Inside. Snora, who is an idiot, leans over and says to Lynette, "I hope this gives you a little perspective on our little situation." Lynette desperately tries to shush her, but Snora won't be silenced. She just keeps saying stuff about how Lynette is probably thinking about her kids, and how she might never see them again, and how that is exactly what Lynette is asking Snora to do with her kid. Lynette, panicking now, just keeps begging Snora to shut it. The other hostages look on nervously. Suddenly Jackie's there with her gun poised, wondering what's going on. Idiot Snora: "She's trying to steal my kid." Lynette explodes with rage, or as much rage as she can explode with given that she's got a gun to her head and she's been asked repeatedly to be quiet. Here's a fun tip: pause your DVR at any point in this scene, and you're almost guaranteed to catch Lynette's face in a tight fist of swollen veins and restrained crazy, like a terrible, terrible penis. Jackie, sharply: "Is that true?" Lynette, stumbling and confused now, says something about how they're sharing custody, and then she says something else about how Snora tried to seduce her husband. Jackie, blankly, like an unhinged robot: "She put the moves on your husband? Why didn't you say so?"

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Desperate Housewives

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