Desperate Housewives
Bang

Episode Report Card
Evany: A | 4 USERS: A+
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Bang

Lynette, weeping and vein-glorious and covered in blood, looks up at Jackie with a face of total disbelief. Jackie: "Don't look at me that way. You know you wanted her dead." The "Danger, Danger!" music swells. Lynette: "How could you say that?" Jackie: "Well you told me about her and your husband after I made it pretty clear where I stand on whores."

Are you ready for this? Here comes Felicity Huffman, with the full force of her Oscar-nominated acting genius 100% focused on this moment. She yells and rants, and she just looks gone. Her eyes are black. She doesn't really seem to be cognizant of what's going on here anymore. It's like, Lynette is not here right now, please leave your message after the beep. She yells that "everyone in here has pain," but they've all found ways to process it without "shooting strangers." Jackie, yelling now: "She deserved it!" Lynette: "Well maybe you deserved to be cheated on!" Oh SHIT.

Lynette: "I-I-I-I-I-I'm sorry. I sh-sh-sh-shouldn't have said that." Ice Jackie: "Yeah, you shouldn't have." Jackie raises her gun and pulls the trigger, but just in time neighbor Art throws a can of food, and it hits Jackie right in the head. The bullet goes wide and hits Lynette in the arm. Lynette goes flying. Jackie goes flying.

Bullet watch: at this point, Jackie has used up her last two bullets, meaning she's moved way beyond the craziness that drove her to want to kill Harv(Gar)y and maybe Edie, and she has now entered some new, terrible realm of unthinking, white-hot rage.

Jackie, not knowing that she's used her last bullet, scrambles frantically to get back to her gun. But then Austin races over and tackles her. They struggle. Many grunts can be heard. The rest of the hostages look on, frozen, their mouths open in perfect sex-doll-mouth circles. And then the non-descript blond woman from before, the one whose kid Jackie teaches in Sunday school, she picks up the gun and shoots Jackie in the head. And...whoops! It looks like there was one extra magic bullet in that gun, after all. Also it appears that this woman isn't all that concerned about Austin's health, because wasn't shooting Jackie while the two of them were mid-scramble pretty risky? More to the point, why shoot Jackie at all? Once they had her gun, there was no reason to kill her, right? But these are questions for bigger, stronger, richer men than I. By which I mean Marc Cherry.

Outside, everyone is hugely relieved. So relieved that the camera has been downshifted to full-time slo-mo mode. The "Haunting and Sad" music swells, and then just keeps on playing as Julie comes out of the Market and hugs Susan tightly.

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Desperate Housewives

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