Susan has fallen in love with Ian -- or, more specifically, with Ian's luxurious mansion and its six-headed shower, and now she wants to spend all their playdates over at his place. Unfortunately and uncomfortably, Ian's butler hates Susan out of both a fierce loyalty to Ian's coma-decommissioned wife and the fact that Susan is just innately irritating. He also thinks Susan's a tramp, perhaps because she Susadentally manages to flash the man both her taters and her tot. Susan asks Ian if she can keep a drawer of stuff at his house, but his drawers are too full of all his wife's things and also his baggage. The butler gleefully hints that Ian's reluctance to get rid of his wife's stuff indicates that he'll never love Susan. Susan confronts Ian and...whatever, they work it out, she gets her own drawer. Carlos convinces Memory-less Mike that they used to be best friends, and then gets Mike to let Carlos move in for the next three months while his condo gets renovated. Bachelor City! Meanwhile the cops are still lurking around, waiting for Mike to make a wrong move so that they can nab him for dead, toothless Monique's murder. So Mike, who is an idiot, decides that now's the perfect time to bury his incriminating toolbox off in the woods somewhere, and of course gets totally busted. Orson's mother, Gloria, is now living at the Van de Hodge manse, but she's not enjoying herself at all; Bree won't let her drink booze or eat anything but bland, doctor-approved foods, and much strident dinner conversation ensues. Gloria bribes Andrew to get her some wine, and then she drunkenly spills the beans about Orson: he was cheating on Alma. With dead, toothless Monique! Bree finally, finally, finally decides that enough's enough and gives Orson the boot. Gabby is blue (her divorce just went through). Gabby is bored. Gabby decides to help her personal shopper, Vern, with his new business as a little miss beauty pageant consultant. Gabby teaches the girls how to fake confidence and self-love, and the girls all adore her. Later, she regales them with stories about the crazy things that other models (not Gabby, no) do to lose weight: bulimia, laxatives, unfiltered smoking. Of course, the kids all immediately start in with the puffing and the puking, which infuriates the kids' moms, and Gabby is forbidden to come help out with any more classes. But Gabby shows up anyway and sob-stories them with a heartwarming tale about how much she loved showing the kids how to pretend-love themselves, and how empty her own life is, and how she has a connection that can get all the (overweight) moms a supply of non-FDA-approved European diet pills. And the ladies -- did I mention that they were all overweight? -- totally forgive her! Just so you're getting this: these women are outraged that Gabby introduced their kids to unhealthy weight-loss vices, but Gabby gets back into their good graces by offering them...an unhealthy weight-loss vice of their very own, which they pounce on right in front of their kids. Total "black fly in the chardonnay" moment! Lynette tells the police about Art the Probably Pedophile, but they blow her off, especially when they hear that she only saw his wall of semi-nude boy pics because she essentially broke into his house. Later, when Lynette momentarily looses track of son Parker, she goes flying off the handle and straight over to Art's house, where she runs upstairs, downstairs, and also amok. Art and his sister both seem very confused by Lynette's insane behavior, especially the part about her screaming insinuations about Art being a big old pervert. Lynette scuttles down to the basement but...all the toys and photos are gone! Art has some excuse about how the toys were a collection he put together for some children's hospital, but Lynette doesn't buy it. Later, Tom tells her that she needs to cool it, or they're going to get sued for slander, and hey, maybe Lynette could do with some brain help? She agrees, but instead of seeking out a mental-health professional, she goes to Mrs. McCluskey for help. Some nice, neighborly vigilante help. And Mrs. McC, that old tuffy, she starts making some calls...to the So You Think You Can Dance voter line? 976-WRI-NKLE? It isn't entirely clear.
Previously: just the stuff we learned last week: Art is a maybe pedophile, the fuzz is searching high and low for Mike's toolbox, et cetera.
Susan and Ian are heading home after a nice dinner. Susan looks very now and wow in her little black dress paired with spiky silver heels. They're debating where to consummate this date: Susan's house, the wreck she neglected to clean, or Ian's mansion? As they muse, Susan accidentally steps out of her shoe, and Ian chivalrously crouches down to Cinderella it back onto her foot, Prince Charming-style. Ian, standing: "Well, we can't have you sleeping in squalor. My place it is." Animated bluebirds and hearts swirl around Susan's happy head.
Back at his place, Ian escorts Susan out of his car and she looks up at his obscenely gigantic mansion, which I swear I've seen used in one those "You can never be too rich or too thin" dorm wall posters. MAVO tells us that "Susan realized that her life had become a fairy tale. And since her prince had welcomed her into his castle, she felt the least she could do was thank him. Again. And again." Inside the door, Susan tackles Ian. They skip up the stairs, but halfway up, she tackles him again. And then they're rolling around on his huge canopied bed.
The next morning. Susan is naked in Ian's bed, alone. You know...based on all the dust Susan kicked up last week about the very idea of Julie and Austin relating sexually, you'd think she'd be more concerned about leaving Julie alone in the house, what with all that bare-chest meat just a whistle away? But Susan has never been big on personal continuity, what with her mind sweeping clean every four seconds. Keep swimming, just keep swimming! Then again, maybe this is Julie's weekend at Karl's? Anyway: behind Susan, a man clears his throat. Susan smiles and stretches cattishly, and then turns over and gives the butler a full frontal, muttering something about how they'll have to "make it a quickie." The wry, unflappable butler introduces himself as Rupert, employee of "Mr. Hainsworth," and then he tacks on a bitchy "That would be the man you slept with, in case names weren't exchanged." (Rupert, incidentally, is played by Ian Abercrombie. As in Abercrombie and Felch? No, as in "Smithee" in Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties.) Susan draws the first cringe of the night by introducing herself as Rupert's "boss's girlfriend; surely he mentioned [her]?" But no. Ian hasn't said a word about Susan to his longtime employee.