Desperate Housewives
Beautiful Girls

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Beautiful Girls

Whose house? Bree's house. Gloria Vanderkill is now one of the gang, and she's already putting Danielle's patented snottiness to shame with her high-powered whining and complaining: Gloria doesn't like that there's a lock on the liquor cabinet. (Her meds don't mix well with alcohol. Bree: "A warning you've chosen to ignore, if the lipstick on the vodka is any indication.") Gloria also doesn't like the low-fat, low-sodium food Bree makes for her (also doctor-prescribed). Next, Gloria says grace: "Dear Lord, I thank you for this bland and indifferently prepared meal, and beseech you to ignite some spark of compassion in my cold-hearted daughter-in-law, that she might show some shred of mercy to me, her wretched captive, amen." They bicker back and forth, and it comes to a head when Gloria demands, "I want out of this perky little gulag and into a house I can call my own." But Orson can't afford to buy Gloria a house. I'm confused: don't dentists make bank? And isn't there still lots of Rex money lying around? Gloria, meaningfully: "You can't afford not to."

Kitchen. Bree expertly layers strawberries and whipped cream into parfait glasses as Orson tries to sell her on the idea of a house for Gloria: "I know a house won't be easy to swing, but how many more of these Edward Albee dinners do you want to sit through?" Apt call: I recently happened into a copy of Albee's Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?, and even just reading that drunken, strident, hammer-and-tong dialogue made me feel wrung out, hung over, and vaguely defeated, much as I do while recapping this entire storyline. Bree asks what it is that Gloria's holding over Orson, but he sidesteps the question, instead volunteering to ask Edie to come up with some cheap listings for them. Bree is concerned that a house of her own will give Gloria free rein to indulge her vices, and that she'll be "dead in a year." Orson: "You just stole my next argument."

Mike's house. Edie is sitting at the table, going over Mike's bills. Mike is distractedly staring out the window at a car parked out front. Incidentally, James Denton -- who has lost a good deal of weight since last season (especially in his face, which looks both haggard and maybe two-thirds his normal width) -- is now beginning to look like an unplugged version of Dr. Gregory House. Edie drones on that he needs to give up either his phone or cable: he can't afford both. Mike doesn't really care. Edie: "Fine: cable it is. Nobody calls you anyway." (Mike is a loser.) He cane-hobbles outside. Turns out it's Officer Ghostbuster who's staking out Mike place. Mike asks him what's doing there, and Ghostbuster Ridley parries, "My toilet's clogged. I thought maybe you could fix it." Was that supposed to be biting tuff-cop banter? Lame. "Oh wait," he adds, "you can't, can you? You don't have any tools!" So lame. Mike yells at him to get out of there and leave him alone, and Ghostbuster makes another one of his cuts about Mike's temper: "You sure are hostile for someone working in the service industry." Which...doesn't make much sense: some of the most hostile people I know work in the service industry. Maybe it was sarcasm? Whatever: the line is so blah, it's not really worth dissecting. In short: a totally dumb and unnecessary scene that serves only to remind us that the police couldn't find Mike's tools when they searched his house. Here's a question: why aren't the cops investigating Mike's hit-and-run case? Maybe they consider the fact that someone tried to off him as more vague evidence of his guilt? In which case, their investigative powers are sorely lacking. Not that Fairview's police department has the best record in the "unsolved crimes" department, what with all the unexplained arson and dead bodies.

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Desperate Housewives

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