Desperate Housewives

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DeAnn Welker: B- | Grade It Now!
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Arrested Development
ree comes in to apologize. She says the names Angie called her were harsh but accurate and if she'd still be willing to work for her, she would be honored to have her in her kitchen. Angie thinks Bree must be drowning over there, and Bree admits it. Angie asks Bree why she doesn't like her, but Bree pretends she does; she finds her colorful and... Angie tells her enough with the tact, so Bree admits Angie makes her uncomfortable because she's candid (but isn't Karl also candid? She seems to like him just fine), what with her saying whatever she thinks and fighting with her husband in front of her. Angie tells Bree that not all marriages are as perfect as hers, but Bree says hers is not perfect. Angie doesn't believe it, so Bree confides that she and Orson barely speak and haven't shared a bed in three months. Angie can't believe it. Seriously? Bree seems like the coldest person in the world, so I don't know how anyone would think she ever shares a bed with anyone. Bree says their problems are personal and she's not like Angie, who can't keep anything to herself. Angie laughs, because if Bree only knew how much she keeps to herself. And if we only knew. Because I want to know. Angie says Bree thinks she's vulgar ... or whatever: candid. And she thinks Bree's a tight-ass. (Uh, Angie, give yourself some credit; you know this, not just think it.) But Angie needs a job and Bree needs help, so she takes the job. Then she asks Bree if she sits on the dryer since she doesn't have sex. Bree says Angie's just goading her and they leave. I think I'll like this friendship if it can make Bree even slightly less rigid.

Police station. Susan's giving all the male detectives sandwiches to butter them up and talk shit about Kathy. She even gives them a jar of pickles. As she's talking bad about Kathy, though, Kathy comes in. When Susan greets her as Denise, Kathy tells her she knows she wants to call her Moose, so why not just do it. The other cops laugh, but walk off when Kathy glares at them. Susan apologizes for stealing her high school boyfriend, but she says she'd hate for their history to cloud Kathy's judgment, which is what she thinks since she saw her hugging Katherine. Kathy says she and Katherine have a lot in common, since Susan stole both of their boyfriends. Susan says she didn't steal Mike, but Katherine thinks she did, which is why Susan thinks she attacked Julie. But Kathy says Katherine was on the phone with her daughter all night, which is a pretty strong alibi, and they've even checked phone records. Kathy tells Susan she knows how to do her job. And she's discovered some interesting facts, such as Susan shooting Katherine. She says not reporting it was a crime. Susan tells Kathy to stop blaming her for the way her life turned out. She says Kathy needs closure and has the right to be happy. Kathy says Susan has the right to remain silent. Wow, Susan, don't set someone up like that if they have handcuffs and the power to arrest you. Then Kathy puts Susan in a jail cell and says this (she closes the bars) is called closure. Kathy cackles and leaves. Susan rolls her eyes. I do a little happy dance, although I'd be happier if Susan were more upset instead of annoyed.

Police station. Tom and Lynette show up to talk to the detectives, but they tell them they've passed that case to Kathy. Tom says they have some new information to report. Kathy's out on a call, but Lynette says this needs to be checked out right away. Tom wonders if they talked to Nick. They did, because he was Danny's dad, but Lynette says she's guessing he didn't mention his affair with Julie, which she had broken off right before her attack. The cops look quite interested. Then we're at the Bolens, where Angie's looking through her recipe cards when Nick comes home from wherever. She tells him the good news about getting a job with Bree. He asks if she'll still cook for him, and she says she will. Then she says she also needed to tell him the cops called wondering where he was the night of Julie's attack. He asks why they'd ask about him, and she says probably because he was having an affair with Julie. She says the cops didn't tell her anything; she's known for weeks (which makes her the new number one suspect, am I right?). He tries to apologize, but she asks him not to embarrass himself or her. She says it was a stupid thing, but they both know that neither of them can leave, so they'll have to get past it. He says he's so sorry and she says she's put him through a lot (but what has she put him through?) so he gets this one. He says he never attacked Julie, and she says she knows, which is why she lied and told the cops he was with her the entire night. So they weren't together, meaning one of them had to have done it? Although I still do sort of wish it were Katherine. He asks if they're okay, and she punches him hard in the face, says "Now we're okay," and walks off. His nose starts to bleed.

We see a schoolbook as Mary Alice begins her closing voiceover. She says there's only so much we can learn from books. They can't tell you how to make your wife happy (Carlos works with Juanita as Gaby waves with a shopping bag she's unloading from the car). They can't tell you how to appreciate your neighbor (Bree reads an Italian cookbook and watches Angie cook). They can't tell you if that man across the street is dangerous (Lynette sits with Penny and watches Nick work in his yard). No, says Mary Alice, the only way to truly learn is from your mistakes. Someone wheels a cart of books by Susan's jail cell and she grabs one. Mary Alice says that if those mistakes land you in jail, it might be nice to have a book to pass the time. Susan sits and reads Crime and Punishment. I doubt she'll be in jail that long.

Next week: Gaby's at confession. Lynette asks someone if they're sleeping with someone else. Gaby asks someone the same question. Katherine points to Susan in court and says she wanted her dead. Susan, who is sitting with Bob as her attorney, stands and says "Overruled." Poor Bob. Karl and Bree have sex. Susan invites Mike to have sex, and he wonders if he can bring his sandwich. She's fine with that. Lynette's stomach kicks Gaby, and her secret's out. Karl, looking awfully fit, ducks naked behind a bush. Gaby gives a check to a priest. Looks more fun than this episode. Can't wait.

DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, has never eaten -- let alone cooked -- braciole. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.

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Desperate Housewives

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