Previously on Desperate Housewives: Mama falls down a flight of stairs; the hospital offers Gabby a wrongful death settlement, which she signs the shit out of; Andrew gets carted away to Camp Cognac for some attituning; Paul hurls a toy chest into Torch Lake; a craftsmen identifies the Toy Chest of the Lake as one of his own, offering the police a list of his buyers, and then...the toy chest pops to the surface of the lake (weird, here, is the order of flashbacks: the craftsman identifies the toy box at the police station, THEN we see Paul throw the toy box into the lake?); Zach promises to keep Paul's secret, icing the promise with the most sarcastic "Dad" ever.
And...MAVO! "There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain." Gabby's hair is perfect, her makeup divine. "She knew red was her color." Gabby struts out of her house wearing the teensiest, eensiest red dress. Her decolletage is tongue-kissed by the sun. "She knew diamonds went with everything." Huge, huge diamonds dazzle Gabby's wrist, ears, and fingers. Where is that Gabby headed, some A-list nightclub? A cocktail party for the famously rich? No! Gabby is going out...to get the mail. Poor Gabby. It's clear by the level of her over-primping that Gabby has succumbed to the insanity of extreme boredom. "And she knew men were all the same." Gabby's neighbor is out on his front lawn playing catch with his son, but when he gets an eyeful of Gabby in her mail/male-fetching outfit, the ball sails right past him and rolls over to Gabby, who stops it with one hooker-shod foot. "But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else," and the little neighbor lad runs over to retrieve the ball and Gabby, after a moment's flirty hesitation, drops it into his mitt, "she would never want children." The neighbor and son resume their catching, and Gabby resumes her sexy, sexy mail sorting, until she notices Carlos standing out on the porch, smiling the smile of a lobotomy patient as he gazes upon the happy, all-American man-with-son scene (which plays out in slo-mo for extra all-American effect). "Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband felt differently." Gabrielle's sexy face falls.
Later, in bed, Gabby rubs lotion into...her hands. This may be just me, in fact it probably is just me, but there is something so unsexy-gramma about hand-lotioning in bed. Gabby tells Carlos how lucky she is to have a husband who wants kids so badly, yet stays with her even though she doesn't want them. Ever. Carlos seems to think that there's still a chance, and that if she found herself with child, she might just surprise herself. "Honey," Gabby assures him, "it's not going to happen." "You never know!" Carlos rejoins optimistically. "No, sometimes you do," Gabby says with conviction (even though birth control pills are only 99.9\% effective, meaning one in every thousand pill-controlled women still gets pregnant...and if your husband is swapping out your pills for placebos, those chances go up significantly). MAVO: "Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt that she didn't want to be a mother." Carlos and Gabby start in with the sexing. "What she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father." The screen splits so that, next to Carlos and Gabrielle's horizontal forms, we see Carlos retrieving birth control pills from the kind of briefcase typically used to transport unmarked bills. Gabby stores her pills in a briefcase? "Or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months." Again the screen splits (or should I saw "spawns"?) to reveal multiple shots of Carlos swapping out pills. His tampering methods look very Mission Impossible, with a scalpel delicately applied to the task of removing the pills' foil backing. "Or that within one week's time," and Gabrielle collapses, with a well-sated sigh, onto Carlos's chest, "she'd be pregnant." Roll those title credits!