Previously on Desperate Housewives: Mama falls down a flight of stairs; the hospital offers Gabby a wrongful death settlement, which she signs the shit out of; Andrew gets carted away to Camp Cognac for some attituning; Paul hurls a toy chest into Torch Lake; a craftsmen identifies the Toy Chest of the Lake as one of his own, offering the police a list of his buyers, and then...the toy chest pops to the surface of the lake (weird, here, is the order of flashbacks: the craftsman identifies the toy box at the police station, THEN we see Paul throw the toy box into the lake?); Zach promises to keep Paul's secret, icing the promise with the most sarcastic "Dad" ever.
And...MAVO! "There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain." Gabby's hair is perfect, her makeup divine. "She knew red was her color." Gabby struts out of her house wearing the teensiest, eensiest red dress. Her decolletage is tongue-kissed by the sun. "She knew diamonds went with everything." Huge, huge diamonds dazzle Gabby's wrist, ears, and fingers. Where is that Gabby headed, some A-list nightclub? A cocktail party for the famously rich? No! Gabby is going out...to get the mail. Poor Gabby. It's clear by the level of her over-primping that Gabby has succumbed to the insanity of extreme boredom. "And she knew men were all the same." Gabby's neighbor is out on his front lawn playing catch with his son, but when he gets an eyeful of Gabby in her mail/male-fetching outfit, the ball sails right past him and rolls over to Gabby, who stops it with one hooker-shod foot. "But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else," and the little neighbor lad runs over to retrieve the ball and Gabby, after a moment's flirty hesitation, drops it into his mitt, "she would never want children." The neighbor and son resume their catching, and Gabby resumes her sexy, sexy mail sorting, until she notices Carlos standing out on the porch, smiling the smile of a lobotomy patient as he gazes upon the happy, all-American man-with-son scene (which plays out in slo-mo for extra all-American effect). "Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband felt differently." Gabrielle's sexy face falls.
Later, in bed, Gabby rubs lotion into...her hands. This may be just me, in fact it probably is just me, but there is something so unsexy-gramma about hand-lotioning in bed. Gabby tells Carlos how lucky she is to have a husband who wants kids so badly, yet stays with her even though she doesn't want them. Ever. Carlos seems to think that there's still a chance, and that if she found herself with child, she might just surprise herself. "Honey," Gabby assures him, "it's not going to happen." "You never know!" Carlos rejoins optimistically. "No, sometimes you do," Gabby says with conviction (even though birth control pills are only 99.9% effective, meaning one in every thousand pill-controlled women still gets pregnant...and if your husband is swapping out your pills for placebos, those chances go up significantly). MAVO: "Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt that she didn't want to be a mother." Carlos and Gabby start in with the sexing. "What she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father." The screen splits so that, next to Carlos and Gabrielle's horizontal forms, we see Carlos retrieving birth control pills from the kind of briefcase typically used to transport unmarked bills. Gabby stores her pills in a briefcase? "Or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months." Again the screen splits (or should I saw "spawns"?) to reveal multiple shots of Carlos swapping out pills. His tampering methods look very Mission Impossible, with a scalpel delicately applied to the task of removing the pills' foil backing. "Or that within one week's time," and Gabrielle collapses, with a well-sated sigh, onto Carlos's chest, "she'd be pregnant." Roll those title credits!
MAVO: "Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belonged to the children." Wow, really? I thought Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belonged to a pod of slender, maritally challenged women. "And while most would spend the day practicing their sports," and Lynette and family toss the football around their front yard, "and riding their bikes," and blackmailing Ashley rolls past Gabby on her blackmail bicycle and they exchange glares, "and jumping their ropes," and the camera pans past two girls jumping their ropes (Practicing their sports? Jumping their ropes? Is English Mary Alice's second language?), "others were no longer engaged in child's play." Zach is no longer engaging in child's play in his front yard, hunched over a rake and wearing a buttoned-all-the-way polo tee tucked into terrible jeans hiked high with a woven leather belt. That is one rakin' out, Zach. "Indeed some children were being forced to grow up very quickly." The cops are at the door, asking Paul a few questions about a certain toy chest, which Mary Alice purchased 12 years ago. Remember? With the dancing bears? Paul can't really recall such a thing, no. But Zach pipes up that he remembers it but good, remembers that it had balloons as well as bears, remembers that they threw it away when he was little: "I was standing on it and it just busted, remember dad?" Satisfied with Zach's fat lie, the police take off, but not before Zach asks them what the big deal is and learns that a toy chest just like the one he used to have had washed up on the banks of Torch Lake, with a woman inside. A chopped-up woman. "A woman?" Zach says with revulsion. As soon as the police are out of range, Paul says to Zach, "Obviously we need to talk," and together they go inside the house. From across the yard, Felicia looks on with intense interest and an enormous pair of gardening sheers. Inside, Zach yells at Paul for lying to him: "You said there was a man in the box!" "I told you a private detective had come to take you away from us, I never said it was a man." Forgive me, but...the Man-versus-Woman lie? Not the biggest issue here. How about the "chopped up" part, Zach? But Zach continues to zone in on Paul's lying. "For the last time," Paul says, "someone came to try to take you away from us, from the only family that you've ever known." Wait, does that mean Zach has a different, unknown family? Huh!