Ladies poker. Bree is wearing a very matronly pearl/scarf combo. Susan is dealing (and wearing a woven-patterned cardigan over a orange-and-red ringer, which is kind of an odd combo, yet kind oddly kind of cute). Mom is there, gushing that she's finally at one of the legendary poker parties! Lynette thanks Bree, again, for watching her kids. Bree says they had a wonderful time, "although I think Porter had a little less fun." Lynette looks up sharply. Gabby asks about Susan and mom's spa trip for tomorrow, and Lynette interrupts the pleasantries to ask Lynette for more info about Porter's slightly-less-than-fun day. "Well, he was misbehaving," Bree says with misplaced glee, "so I had to punish him." Bree somehow doesn't notice that Lynette now appears to be about three earth seconds from blowing her stack. Spa talk, spa talk, spa talk. Lynette interrupts again to ask just what exactly Bree means by "punishment." (This scene is RIPE for a dominatrix joke.) Bree, not taking her eyes from her cards, says distractedly, "Oh, I had to spank him," like, no biggie. Lynette looks flabbergasted: "You SPANKED my SON?" There is a pregnant pause (What? Gabby's PREGNANT?) and then Mom says something again about the spa and does that breathy Monroe giggle thing, which trails off into more silence. Bree wonders if there's a problem, Lynette says that she and Tom don't believe in hitting their kids, she thought Bree knew that. (Actually, Lynette's kids did tell Bree themselves that their parents never spanked them, though to Bree's credit, kids do say the darnedest things when threatened with corporal punishment.) Finally Bree looks chastened, and says, "Sorry, I didn't know. It won't happen again." If only she'd ended things there, instead of going on to say, "Frankly I'm somewhat surprised that you DON'T spank them, I mean, everybody knows that they're a little bit...out of control." Well, yes, true, but not the best words for neighborly fence-mending. Lynette says, dripping with sarcasm, "Yeah, you're right Bree, I've got a lot to learn about parenting, and I feel so blessed to be getting sage advice from such an impeccable mother like you, I mean, your kids turned out perfect, as long as you don't count Andrew. Where is he again, hm? Some kind of a boot camp for juvenile delinquents?" Oooohh. Lynette is a Witch with a capital "B"! Bree looks sufficiently shattered and excuses herself. Lynette storms off upstairs. "Usually poker is more fun than this," Susan says to Mom, and Mom does a partially deflated helium giggle.
Lynette is screaming at Tom, "So help me, if you don't back me up on this, I will LOSE it!" Tom totally agrees with Lynette! Sort of! But, he points out, it's not like Bree actually hurt Porter. (You know, he's right. I was spanked growing up -- not a lot, maybe twice, but still -- it never actually hurt, and it deterred me from doing things like touching burning-hot cookie sheets. And see? Look how GREAT I turned out.) "That is not the point," Lynette shouts, "you don't spank other people's children!" (You know, she's right. It's weird to paddle someone else's kid. Maybe in earlier times, back when it took a village to raise a child, it was acceptable for someone to spank someone else's misbehaving child, but in these modern, more litigious times, it doesn't seem like the brightest idea. On the other hand, I can imagine that living in such close proximity to Lynette's kids would be insufferable for someone as obviously pro-spanking as Bree. Her spanking hand must have been itching for years.) Tom points out that Porter WAS misbehaving and Bree did have to do something, earning a poisoned glare from Lynette. But yes! Tom agrees, Bree definitely crossed a line. Lynette thinks Bree could have done a lot of things other than a spanking, such as a time-out or simply threatening to spank him. (You know, she's right.) "Yeah," Tom says sarcastically, "'cause that works out so well when we do it." Lynette insists that it does work, most of the time! "It used to work," Tom clarifies, "they've figured out that it's an empty threat, they're on to us." "My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me," Lynette says, near tears, "and I won't do it." But, Tom points out, the boys are getting older and smarter, "and eventually they're going to figure out that they outnumber us." Lynette crumples to the bed. "We're screwed." (Right again!) Remember how once in a rare while, The Love Boat would come to Fantasy Island? Wouldn't it be awesome if there were a crossover like that between Supernanny and Desperate Housewives? Tom and Lynette absolutely need someone with a toffeed British accent coming in and teaching that whole family how to use its words. Come on, both shows are on ABC, it would be so easy!