Desperate Housewives

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DeAnn Welker: B- | Grade It Now!
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His Pants Are On Fire

Susan, Julie and Steven Weber are talking about how they met, all romantic in the rain. Just then, Jackson comes in and tells Julie he'll take her bags up to her room, and she says she'll come with him to "check her email." Uh, right. Or maybe to hit on your mom's hot boyfriend who is much closer to your age than your own boyfriend. (I know that's not really what happens, but that's what I would be doing if I were Julie.) Now that Susan's alone with Steven Weber, he tells her he can tell she's freaked out about his age. She said she did expect someone college-aged. He says they didn't date until the semester was over, because he has a strict rule against dating students. Then he adds, "Though, strictly speaking, my third wife was my student. But she was my TA, so she was more my employee than my student." Susan: "Your what?" Steven Weber: "Student." Susan: "Before that." Steven Weber: "Employee?" Susan: "Before that." Steven Weber: "Third wife?" Susan: "That's the one." She's not thrilled he's been married three times, clearly. They quibble about it (he doesn't like to count his first marriage because it only lasted a few months). Susan thinks her divorces (two of them) are much fewer than his (three). He tells her it's different with Julie because he loves her so much and he pulls out a ring because he's going to propose. Julie calls him in to help find her cell phone charger (oh, and she calls him Lloyd). He asks Susan not to say anything about the ring, because he wants it to be a surprise. And, because he's the biggest idiot ever or he actually wants Susan to like him even less, he calls her "Mom" on his way out. Not cool. I think you are probably older than her (at least in reality).

Bree leads the reporter into the house, where Orson looks like someone out of Cigar Aficionado or like Mr. Rogers with a pipe. He's in a fancy argyle sweater. Sandra can't believe this perfect life is real, or that this "Donna Reed housewife from the '50s" is Bree's everyday life. Bree explains that decade had a lot to recommend it. Bree thinks everyone can live like this if they read her book. Sandra looks skeptical, so Bree admits she burned a tray of biscotti yesterday. The phone rings, and Bree tells Andrew to let the machine get it (always a bad idea on TV and movies). It's Orson's parole officer. Sandra has her lead, and clicks her pen as she asks Orson about prison. Andrew asks if he can be gay now. Oh, Andrew, you're always gay to me.

Anne Shilling is sitting at her table polishing candlesticks (these ladies' lives are so different from mine, I cannot even tell you) when she hears the door open and close. She thinks it's Kirby, but we know it's Lynette. She walks in and asks Anne if she's really pregnant. Anne says she is, and heartbreak flashes across Lynette's face. Anne explains how she and Porter started their statutory rape affair. She was beaten up by Warren awhile back and Porter came by and saw her. He was kind and gentle. Lynette interrupts her, telling her not to try to justify this because it's sick. Anne disagrees, saying that it's love, and she's glad she's having Porter's baby. Warren walks around the corner and says, "Damn. Not exactly what a husband wants to hear coming in the door. I suppose dinner's not ready either?" I wonder why the door was so loud when Lynette came in, but we didn't hear Warren? Lynette apologizes to him, but he asks her to leave. Anne asks her not to go, but she storms out. She gets to her car and realizes she's actually not a terrible person and rushes back in. Warren's screaming and standing over Anne, who's lying on the floor. He's kicking her. Lynette tells him to get off of her, and then throws a candlestick at him. She says she's calling the police, and he says he'd love for Anne to explain her way out of statutory rape. He leaves, telling Anne she doesn't live there anymore. Lynette rushes over to Anne, who's all bloody and beaten. He really beat the crap out of her quickly, considering Lynette just walked to the end of their front walk and ran back. Anne thanks her for coming back.

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Desperate Housewives

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