Desperate Housewives
Come Back To Me

Episode Report Card
Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
Come Back To Me

So, Mike finally gets to the front door. He takes about twenty minutes to read a note Susan has left for him, which reads, in its entirety, "Come on in." Zack, as I predicted, is stuck on the stairs, and is now forced to duck back up them and toward the upstairs hallway. Oh, this is not going to end in fun nudity for anyone, least of all Susan.

Mike comes inside, finally. Zack sneaks back toward Julie's room. Susan, on the other hand, is getting suspicious. She creeps toward her closet as Zack slips back into Julie's room.

The footfalls come closer to Susan's room -- because, you know, now they really do belong to Mike. Sadly, this time Susan lets loose with her ThighMaster and whacks Mike across the face. He goes down like a lead...whatever that simile is. A lead balloon? Sure. Anyway, the disco sex tunes stop, despite the face that it wasn't a music cue on the show, but rather the stereo, and we saw Susan turn it on. She apologizes profusely. She thought there was an intruder, Susan squeals. "I was going to seduce you," she explains, and they start kissing. Then Mike looks up and sees Zack standing behind her. "Please don't be mad," Zack says. Wha? Why didn't you just DUCK BACK INTO JULIE'S ROOM, Zack? Is there an impenetrable force field around her door jamb of which I am unaware?

So, Julie comes home from school, all cheerful "Hello, I'm home," and finds Zack, Mike and her mother waiting for her in the kitchen. "Zack, what are you doing here?" she asks. Everyone just looks at her.

Casa Passive-Aggressive. "Later that day, while Claire was out getting the boys wired on ice cream, Lynette did some WIRING of HER OWN," MAVO smirks, as Lynette sets up the Nanny Cam. We get it. Wiring. Very clever. There's some silly business where Lynette pretends to beat the stuff out of a teddy bear, all of which is revealed on the TV in the kitchen, which I guess Lynette has wired up like a closed-circuit television now? Claire sure is going to get a surprise when she turns on Passions and instead sees herself in Lynette's kitchen. Lynette? Go back to work. ["That's what I've been saying all along. And so? HAS MY MOM." -- Wing Chun]

Susan's. Julie doesn't want them to send Zack back to Paul. "They sent him to a psycho ward!" she squeals. "Actually, they call it a rehabilitation center," Zack pipes up. Everyone looks thoughtful. Susan asks what Mike thinks, and he points out that Paul, as Zack's father, does have a right to know where he is. Also, if he finds out that the Mayers are hiding Paul's kid, they could get in a lot of trouble. Julie rolls her eyes. Susan says that Mike's right: "Sorry, guys." Julie pleads, but Zack gets up from the table and swears it will be fine. The kids hug. Mike offers to take the kid over, so Julie and Susan can.... His voice trails off. I think the phrase you're searching for, Mike, is "Have a total bitch fit at each other." Susan tells him that, if Paul goes all nutbar on Zack, Mike should bring him back. The men leave, and Susan starts with the "young lady," and Julie just stomps upstairs. My mother would have said, "DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU," but Susan just lets her go.

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Desperate Housewives




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