Susan and Mike move back into Paul's house now that he's gone, but the other ladies are so consumed with their own dramas that they ignore her return. Eventually, in apology, they throw a progressive dinner that moves from house to house. It's awesome, because Susan is the center of both hours, but in this finale everything's just sort of happening around her, so all she has to do is look pretty. (Actually, they all do this week. It's weird.)
Renee has a bit of a breakdown upon learning that her ex is getting remarried, and immediately falls in love with the hottest cater-waiter bartender in the vicinity. There's this whole sort of amazing 30 Rock-vibe where they go through an entire relationship in the time it takes to have dinner, which is actually fun. Kind of like with Renee's magical child-repelling powers, it's the best when they just go for it.
Dumbass Bree goes to stalk Dreamy Detective Chuck Vance's soon-to-be ex, immediately blurts out the situation, and ends up costing him way more than the ex was originally going to settle for, so finally they have sex while everybody else is having salads... And then fuck their way through ruining the main course, leading to an embarrassing moment for everybody.
Tom leaves Lynette, and then immediately feels like a jerk and comes back -- but she so enjoyed the hour of being single that she asks him to please leave her again. I love how they can even make the ugly business of getting separated into this huge asshole hassle. Lynette spends the rest of dinner feeling sorry for herself, despite Tom literally explaining that her shrewish nastiness and condescension is the problem, and simultaneously despite the fact that she hates him even more than he hates her.
Gabi starts the hour by leading her stepfather/rapist Alejandro to a wooded area, and comes narrowly close to killing him, but tells him to hit the bricks instead. It's pretty powerful stuff -- especially with Tony Plana's gifted and just ridiculously terrifying menace happening everywhere -- and by the time he, inevitably, corners her alone in her house during the dinner, you're pretty much ready to shoot him yourself. Luckily, Carlos accidentally knocks him dead with a candlestick, leading the ladies to hide the body in a coffee table and form a big coverup conspiracy. Which, considering they are the four sketchiest people you've ever seen, shouldn't really throw anybody off.
So that's the score: Bree's going to be lying to her cop boyfriend about her friend Carlos's manslaughter of a rapist intruder, so they're friends again. Susan is back on the Lane and acting ridiculous again now that Paul's no longer around to make her awesome. Gabi, well, Gabi had a rough hour but I think she'll be okay. Renee is now free to marry Tom Scavo, and Lynette will, as usual, be eating worms and complaining about things. See you next fall!
THE MONSTER AT THE END OF THIS SEASON
At the end of this episode, the four main Housewives will be covering up the murder of Somebody, which as we'll see actually wraps up a lot of the season's stories pretty elegantly. It's fairly flimsy with regard to next year's setup, but there's probably going to be a lot more going on there. I know Detective Chuck Vance will be joining the show, which is excellent news, and maybe Susan Lucci*? I think there's a Tuc Watkins joke to be made there, if that rumor is true, but I don't know about daytime TV at all so I can't make the joke. If there's even a joke to be made about that.
*Here's one: What if they said every year that they might give Susan Lucci a regular role, and then kept giving that role to other actresses? That's kind of a daytime TV joke. From the '90s, true, but I didn't know more about soaps back then either. It does weird me out that this show is still doing so great while the daytime soaps are dropping like drunks. Is everybody watching shows about aggressive baking now? I think that's probably it.
Susan acts totally retarded and skives off unpacking so that she can go play with her friends, pulling Mike into this bullshit infantilizing "Fine, go play with your friends" scenario that would get your ass three divorces in the face.
ENTRÉE: VAN DE KAMP
Bree: "That was so much fun going running with you."
Dreamy Detective Chuck Vance: "My crazy sick body requires a lot of cardio because I am fifty thousand years old."
Bree: "Tell me about it! I went into menopause six times just now."
Detective Chuck Vance: "Why are you putting your hand down my shorts?"
Bree: "Because I have no boundaries and don't believe in your ability to make choices."
Susan knocks on the door.
Bree: "Susan, go away. I've almost got him where I want him."
Susan: "I think you mean welcome home Susan. Please don't make me backtrack and regress to being the asshole I've always been, until this kidney made me awesome."
Bree: "I have no choice. And low expectations of everyone."
Susan: "I can actually feel my asshole nature welling up inside me."
Bree: "Ugh, this."
Bree slams the door; Susan can't understand that life didn't stop on the Lane the second she left. Undaunted, she bounds off to the next house: Her own personal Progressive Dinner of Building Resentment.