BECAUSE LYNETTE IS THE FUCKING WORST & NOW WE HAVE PROOF
*("Weird" is one word for it. Anyway, they're "really" separating. Except I'm so sure that will actually stick. Mostly, I can't believe how fucking hateful that little speech was. I get it, and it was a complex and intriguing moment, but Jesus lady.)
VAN DE KAMP
Bree: "That was some intense and missionary-position fucking!"
Detective Chuck Vance: "Did you have an orgasm?"
Bree: "Literally in the time it took my friends to eat half a salad? Yeah I came like thirty times, thanks a bunch."
While these five minutes of bliss were going on, the chicken burnt. Of course, they immediately run downstairs naked to put out the fire/chicken, and of course everybody walks in on them, and of course there's some ludicrously half-assed attempt at explaining themselves, and of course the gay ones slobber all over Detective Chuck Vance (of course that one, can't really blame them) and then they just kind of run off half-clothed to pick up more chicken from the All-Night Gourmet Dinner store down the block. Renee and her new boyfriend work through their entire relationship over the course of this episode. I mean, it's not really there but it's suggested well enough that you go with it, and it comes off pretty clever:
Renee: "Are you counting my drinks now?"
Bartender: "I don't think I can count that high."
Renee: "You knew I drank when we met. You were the bartender!"
Y'know, it's like that. Kinda cute. So then they break up, and that's kind of cute too.
Lynette: "Sorry. You'll always have the salad course."
Renee has some kind of meaningless epiphany about how she didn't really just marry a bartender -- it was all about her ex getting divorced. Like anybody, including Renee, needed that little enigma nailed down.
Lynette: "I don't really care, but listen to me! Tom and I are separating."
Renee: "Of all the people on Earth, you're telling me this? Isn't that just like salting the ground of your marriage to make sure nothing will grow back?"
Lynette: "No, I'm just awful and I know rubbing my relationship issues in the face of somebody who's in love with my husband will make me feel better."
Renee: "...Annnnnd that's how Tom got his first blowjob."
I swear to God, just pull the trigger. Make Lynette have to watch Renee and Tom negotiate a marriage and all three characters will turn amazing. Think about the richness of that soil. It'll make Lynette actually sympathetic slash give her something to bitch about for once, it'll be funny to watch Stepmom Renee deal with raising not only one hundred gingers but also Tom, and you have a million awesome ways it could play out: