Gabrielle: Slams the door, waits for Susan to GTF, and then gets ready to kill herself a dead fella. But he is gone.
WELCOME HOME, LOSER
0 for 3, Susan still can't understand that life didn't stop on the Lane the second she left. Daunted and ungrateful, she bounds home to whine at Mike about her Progressive Dinner of Building Resentment. He rolls his eyes, sighs, and unpacks the entire house while she makes horrible pouting faces. Such is life, when you've married your caretaker. And vice versa.
SENSING THE SHITSTORM HEADED THEIR WAY
Sensing the shitstorm headed their way, the three other Housewives converge on Susan's House of Pouting & Sulking.
Susan: "Get your own ride, bitches!"
Housewives: "Sorry, we forgot how you are. So to shut you up, we're throwing you a party. In keeping with the Welcome Home theme, it will be a progressive dinner."
Renee: Cocktails first, since she'll be doing that anyway, because all she does is constantly drink and be an ex-wife and make dangerous sculptures from the shards of glass that she regularly births out of her dusty cold vagina.
Lynette: Will do salads, because she is overworked and generally contributes the least possible amount while complaining the most and/or starting riots that kill her friends. If she could have volunteered for Paper Towels & Plates, she would have. And then bitched about the money.
Bree: Will do the entrée, because of course she will. It's her entire personality.
Gabrielle: Desserts. Because she cannot be trusted. Too pretty to cook. Or read. Store-bought, just like her entire life. Tastiest and best part of the whole thing, just like with this entire series.
THEN, IT'S TIME FOR THE SUSAN SHOW!
So much Susan for Susan to talk about! So many adventures.
Susan: "This is the best fucking day of my life!"
Renee: "My ex-husband keeps calling me. Probably for a booty call, because I am a slutty drunk."
Renee: "By all means, continue."
Susan: "So then I put on my left shoe and then I put on my right shoe and the whole time Felicia was killing Paul but then I put on my left earring and then I put on my right earring and then these are all the things that were in the box I was taking over to my old house that we live in now..."
Bree: "God, I can't believe Susan finally finished her boring story."
Renee: "To be fair, she's only had MJ and Mike to talk to. The two people on Earth less fun to talk to than her."
Bree: "You'd think constantly climbing around on Paul Young like a jungle gym would have chilled her out, but no."
Renee: "I'm just glad she didn't start talking about chicken. That is a perpetual motion machine when that happens. A carousel that never stops turning."